Artwork by Helena Santana
Blurb
Mariyah and Libby reflect on the past while juggling adulthood, as well as the future of their relationship.
Content Warnings
Misgendering (in a flashback, pre-transition), Divorce (Past and Discussed), Explicit Language, Explicit Sex, Parenthood Discussions, Infidelity (Referenced), Conflicting Marriage Hopes and Perspectives, Gender and Dysphoria Discussions, Family Estrangement, Movie Violence/Gore References
Spice Content Warnings
Edging, Orgasm Denial, Praise Kink, Face Sitting, Penetrative Sex, Breathplay
If I have missed any content warnings, please contact me at authormicahflowers@yahoo.com and I will add them ASAP.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
Mariyah
April 2015
“And…done.”
Mariyah hit send on an email to her boss. Letting out a sigh of relief, she rolled across her apartment in her desk chair. She scooted as close as she could to kitchen counters, holding onto them for support as she stood. One hand gripping the edge, she used the other to start a pot of coffee. For the mere five minutes she stood, pins and needles crawled up her legs. She held out long enough to press a button, only to collapse back in the chair. It rolled a couple feet away and she glanced up at the ceiling.
She’d never been so exhausted, erroneously underestimating how much spring would wreak havoc on her workload. In the past month alone she coded fifteen games. Thankfully they were nothing outside of her skillset–although she got plenty of offers to assist in RPGs–because she stuck to side-scrollers, her comfort zone. Still, the long work-days proved grating on both her body and mind. Sitting in one position for too long worsened her ehlers danlos symptoms. She’d been doing twelve hours of work straight today, having woken up at five a.m. to fix a glitch. Her joints protested as she moved to the center of the apartment, getting on her hands and knees before laying down.
Mariyah finished stretches as the front door opened. In strutted Libby, her girlfriend, manhandling a giant camera bag and a tripod. “Aw, baby,” she said, glancing at Mariyah groaning in pain on the floor. “Are you having a bad pain day?”
“Yeah.” Mariyah answered, trying to breathe as she pushed a hand against her left hip.
Libby set her things on a table and approached, kneeling down to grant Mariyah a single kiss. “Let me know if you need an ice-pack.”
“Thank you.”
Libby forgot to put her camera equipment away, her ADHD roping her into a loop of starting-and-forgetting tasks. Mariyah left her be as always, knowing trying to do one thing at a time stressed her out, same with being told to relax. Libby wound up on the living room couch, watching her recent favorite horror movie as she went through photos on her camera. Once Mariyah read her boss’ response, she joined Libby’s side.
“How did the shoot go?”
“It was a boring one,” Libby answered. “Just a commercial that paid well. The next job’s gonna be sick, though!”
“Oh? Tell me about it.” Mariyah said, draping her arm around Libby and pulling her closer.
“Okay, here’s the pitch,” Libby flexed both hands, moving them apart to mimic the berth of a movie theater screen. “Two enemies are forced to work at a summer camp together. A romance sparks–but a pesky killer fucks everything up! The two have to put aside their differences and toxic chemistry to put a stop to the murders, save all the kids.”
She continued, getting into character descriptions, while Mariyah got lost in her eyes. Each time Libby beamed at a detail, Mariyah’s thoughts trailed to a gold ring with an emerald in the center. It sat tucked away in her nightstand drawer, waiting. In due time, Mariyah would propose to Libby, cementing their future together. The more Libby gushed about the project, the more she daydreamed about the two donning tuxedos, lips locking after a “You may kiss the bride.” So what if neither Mariyah nor Libby brought up the idea before—that’s what made surprises fun, right?
“—and I can’t wait to film the scene where a guy gets his limbs axed off!” Libby cheered, excitedly clapping her hands. Seeing Mariyah’s shock, she chuckled. “Did you zone out a bit?”
“I did, I’m sorry. But a guy gets his limbs hacked off?”
“Yeah! By two beautiful Black women. Damn, I love lesbians.”
“I know you do,” Mariyah teased. “I’m glad you’re getting to work on projects like that, and not more commercials. I can’t imagine how annoying those are.”
“What about your day, baby? Were you able to fix the bug?”
Going to answer, something in Mariyah hesitated. An old friend’s beautiful face flashed in her head, and she frowned. “The bug?”
Sensing the shift, Libby scratched her neck, perhaps herself recalling the same person. “…The glitch.”
“The…glitch, yes.” Mariyah put her hands in her lap. “I had to redo a whole dungeon, but it wasn’t too bad. I’m taking three days off if I can though. I overfilled my plate and my body is pissed.”
Libby rubbed her thigh. “Good idea. All the bills are paid, so you should be good. You deserve to relax. And speaking of relaxing,” she stood with a yawn. “I’m gonna take a nap.”
The two shared a quick kiss. As their lips drifted apart, another face wedged its way into Mariyah’s head. This time, a circular face marked with several piercings and a semi-permanent bratty pout. Libby was halfway down the hall when she turned, eyebrows furrowed. Their eyes met.
“When’s the last time you heard from Noah?” The two asked each other simultaneously.
Mariyah nervously laughed, then frowned. “I don’t know. I think he texted a couple weeks ago.”
Libby took out her phone, typing as she continued to the bathroom. “I’m gonna check on him.”
“Me too.”
Upon pulling up his contact, Mariyah’s thumb hovered over the keyboard. Most straight people weren’t friendly with their exes. Keyword, straight people. Mariyah and Libby fell into the category of being chill with their ex–the only one either had–even though he lived hundreds of miles away in Virginia. In fact, they were all still best friends. The circumstances were beyond typical, though, as recently Noah bore demanding and unique responsibilities that brewed concerns. She and Libby couldn’t help but worry for his mental health, knowing his current role as an overly-willing provider. In fact, she thought. We should be checking on him as often as possible. Not every couple weeks.
Later, right after she ordered a pizza, her phone buzzed. Thinking it was Noah calling, Mariyah instantly answered. Her mother’s hoarse voice blared from the speaker instead.
“Hey–” She stopped abruptly, half of Mariyah’s deadname out before she caught herself. “Mariyah. Yes. Hey, Mariyah.”
“You can call me Mari, mom.” Mariyah said, shutting her laptop and spreading out on the couch. “Is everything okay?”
“You told me to update you about the divorce. Do you still want me to?”
“Oh, yeah. Go ahead.”
Mariyah’s parents, Suhad and Wasib, were second-generation Palestinian immigrants who met at a book club in middle school. At first, the two were purely platonic. But increasing pressures from both of their families pushed them to marry as soon as they graduated. This backfired, and not in the way people would assume. Their hatred for the manufactured romantic bond resulted in opening a restaurant together. The two became rivals, trying to outdo each other, splitting menu contributions down the middle. At the end of every week, the two would sit down, and see who “won” by selling the most dishes. All the while, Mariyah wondered if the torture and arguments she witnessed were signs of real love.
Two years after Mariyah graduated, Suhad and Wasib filed for divorce. Some time after, Mariyah formally came out as trans to her parents, and finally admitted she was dating Libby. Wasib said he needed time to process everything, and Suhad stayed. She told Mariyah she didn’t understand her decisions, but she was willing to learn.
“It’s finalized. Wasib gave up Rogue Goods, and plans to move in with his cousin in California.”
“Oh? Are you gonna keep running it?”
“Yes. I love that place, Mari. If I had to give it up? I would feel like it was all for nothing. Besides, it’s still the busiest restaurant in Bakersville. Tourists love it, and the regulars are forever loyal. Besides, now I can take full control of the menu.”
Mariyah chuckled. “Okay mom. Just don’t hurt yourself. Hire some people to help.”
“Already planning on it. I thought about hiring your old friend who still lives here.”
There Noah was again, clawing his way up a well of memories. Mariyah’s expression darkened. “Noah?”
“Yes. That poor thing never leaves the house, I swear. I pass it every time I go home, and his car’s always there.”
“He… won’t be able to work for you, probably.” Mariyah said, disguising the sadness she felt. “He’s got a full plate, trust me.”
“Oh, alright. Maybe I’ll go by sometime, give him some food.” She sighed dreamily in reminiscence. “You know, I miss seeing him and your other friends in the booths. You all looked so happy.”
The conversation didn’t last long after that, grief wrapping around Mariyah’s heart. She told her mom she loved her, that she’d call her soon. When she hung up, she slumped over, wiped tears from her eyes. On her phone, she flipped back and forth between two other names in her contacts: Elijah. Bug. Elijah. Bug.
Turning it off, she watched Libby return from the room, afro flattened and disheveled. As she stumbled towards the kitchen, rubbing her eyes, she picked her shorts out of her ass. “Sorry. I know you like it when they ride up, but I’m chafing.” She said tiredly.
Mariyah softly laughed, batting away the remaining tears. “I wasn’t even looking this time. I was in my head.”
Libby grabbed a wheel of cheese and joined her. “What’s the matter?”
“Mom brought up Noah. And now…now I’m thinking of everything from high school. Well, before 12th grade.”
Mariyah and Libby’s high school friend group was one of a kind. Both women frequently reminisced about the good moments, the bad ones, and the dozens of splinters that remained from a tragedy. Until senior year, everything had been perfect. Surrounded by neurodivergent and trans joy, Mariyah and Libby bloomed.
Now a persistent dread dwelled, an enormous absence of life. For a long time Mariyah and Libby never addressed it, and neither did Noah. The three could hardly face it, grumbling through small talks on rare calls to check in. There were constant missed calls, missed messages, and missed people.
“I’m thinking about Elijah and Bug again,” Mariyah choked up. “I miss seeing Elijah read. I miss Noah’s horrible jokes. I miss seeing Bug’s tooth gap when they smile.”
“Ugh, me too. Hard agree,” she took Mariyah’s hand. “You know, maybe one day, we can all hang out again.”
“I really hope so.”
The couple ate pizza in a melancholy quiet. Mariyah couldn’t take it, popping on a different movie while Libby made bowls of ice cream. Her pain improved slightly from earlier thanks to horizontal time and lots of water. Watching Libby nibble away at her dessert, Mariyah decided to shift the home’s energy with a positive prospect.
“Let’s go to Gatlinburg.”
“In Tennessee?”
“Mhm.”
“What’s there?”
A proposal, Mariyah thought. She smiled. “Cabins. Mountains. Dollywood’s close by, if you wanna ride some coasters.”
“You’re the only coaster I wanna ride,” Libby flirted. At sight of Mariyah’s cheeks reddening, she laughed. “In all seriousness, that sounds fun. I don’t think I’ve stayed in a cabin before.”
“The ones I’ve been looking at have a hot tub.”
“Ooh, you know I love me a hot tub. A vacation sounds fun!” She rested her head on Mariyah’s shoulder. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
October 2008
Bakersville Middle rarely got new kids.
The last had been Mariyah, when her parents uprooted their lives in California to start a business in Virginia. Bakersville drew their eyes due to its incredibly low cost of living, and equally cheap buildings for rent. Before Mariyah knew it, the three decorated a cramped two bedroom and one bath fixer upper. Rogue Goods opened not two months later, her parents striking a killer deal with a contractor.
Mariyah began anew with her education. Her previous school was massive, hallways impossible to navigate with her crutches. She could hide easily within the crowds, be undetected. Bakersville Middle was the stark opposite–the few children attending gawked at her as if an alien fell out of its ship.
Now, she understood why. New kids were scarce, since the town rarely had families move in. Most newcomers were single adults seeking a change of pace. Her mouth would hang ajar too if someone she’d never seen showed up in the school halls.
And that’s exactly what happened halfway through October of eighth grade.
Whispers of two newbies rippled through campus. Mariyah met the first one when she plopped next to her in history class. She stared in shock at the Black girl before her, her beauty so blinding that Mariyah’s throat dried. Blonde box braids cascaded down her back, brown eyes glowing beneath voluminous lashes. Despite the sunny hair, her jeans and turtleneck were pitch black, just like her nails.
“Hi! I’m Libby.” The girl said.
Mariyah’s chest tightened. Nobody talked to her other than D&D club members, mostly because they had no choice, her running the game. You can avoid your dungeon master outside of the role-playing, but not while you’re battling monsters.
“Hi.” Mariyah stammered.
Painfully aware of her awkwardness, she fixed her messy ponytail, a couple curls flopping out of the hair tie. I probably look gross, she thought miserably. Wait, why does that matter?
Libby looked at her again, and Mariyah understood the intention. She visibly, and quickly, admired Mariyah’s outfit and face.
The teacher began his lecture. Mariyah tried to stay focused, but Libby’s knee brushed against hers. She apologized under her breath, not looking up from her notebook. When Mariyah glimpsed at the paper, she noticed Libby drawing several boxes with tiny text beneath. She filled in the rectangles with shadowy figures. As soon as the teacher turned them over to their assignments, Mariyah let her curiosity overtake.
“What are you drawing?”
The pen’s motions stopped.“Shots for a movie. I’m gonna be a cinematographer one day.”
The certainty and confidence of the statement made Mariyah’s heart flutter. “What’s that?”
“The person behind the camera,” she glanced up at Mariyah, gazes meeting in a long dance. She smiled. “Your glasses are cute.”
Mariyah pushed the frames up her nose, cleared her throat. “Oh…they aren’t nerdy?”
“Nerdy can be cute.” Libby chimed.
That simple sentence replayed the whole week in Mariyah’s mind as Libby befriended her. It began with talks during schoolwork and ended with walks to the next class. Mariyah practiced cautious optimism, not wanting to get too excited. She remembered grade school, where people would lie to her face about being her friend, only to tell popular kids they despised her.
Libby seemed different, though. Genuine. It caught Mariyah off guard. And if the incredibly fast heartbeat every time Libby came around wasn’t enough, she couldn’t bear to look at her too long. The butterflies Libby summoned a feeling Mariyah couldn’t identify. Which was, as a very logical person able to decode anything, a massive problem.
Over the weekend, Mariyah loomed over the circumstances, tried to dissect. Was it admiration? No. When she thought of that word, she thought of her mother. Was it jealousy? Probably not. Mariyah didn’t get jealous of appearances often. One last option remaining, Mariyah audibly groaned as she lay face down in her bed.
Do I have a crush on her? She thought.
Could that be possible? If it was, it’d be a first. In her brain, she only needed her video games. Not love. Not to dote on another person when she had more than enough to worry about on her own.
Yet when she gazed upon Libby, she pictured cheek kisses and interlocked fingers. She imagined their hands would slide perfectly together. So Mariyah begrudgingly admitted to herself she had the teeniest feelings for Libby.
One night, she asked her dad a question at dinner. She would frame it in the third person, as if she was asking from a different person’s perspective. Otherwise, he would know what she was up to. “Dad, I have a question.”
“Go ahead.”
“I met someone at school who shares our beliefs. He was asking me how to ask someone out.”
Wasib stared at her. “What do you mean?”
“Like…on a date.”
Starting with her birthname–which always made her sick–he replied with a frown. “We do not “date,” and even if we did, we should not be seeking a kāfir.”
Mariyah nodded in understanding. She fully respected her parents’ faith, but it didn’t suit her. Suhad knew that, and long ago gave up on family Quran readings and bringing Mariyah to the mosque. Suhad let Mariyah play whatever video games she wanted, let her run D&D campaigns. Wasib, on the other hand, disliked Suhad’s willingness to let Mariyah discover her own beliefs and hobbies. He preferred if Mariyah adhered to Islamic teachings, guaranteeing a perfected path to manhood and security later in life–at least in his perspective.
“Dating is pointless. He should strive for marriage within our community when he’s ready.” He told her.
“Understood,” Mariyah muttered under her breath. “I’ll let him know.”
The conversation ended there, until Suhab wished Mariyah goodnight. She closed the door behind her, sitting next to her in bed.
“Did you meet someone?”
“No.” Mariyah lied.
“Your father may not know when you’re fibbing, but I can always tell. You weren’t asking for someone else. You were asking for yourself,” Suhab brushed a hair out of Mariyah’s face. “I agree that you or anyone of our faith shouldn’t date, as I share his beliefs. I still want you to talk about your feelings, though. Your father…” she sighed. “He doesn’t like feelings. But it’s no way to live. You have to face your emotions, not run from them. So. Who’s caught your eye?”
“Her name’s Libby. She just moved here.”
“Oh! I’ve met her dad,” Suhab said. “Demetrius. He came into the shop a couple times for coffee this week. We chatted a bit before the line started wrapping around the building.”
“Yeah, well. She’s so nice to me. I’m not used to it, so maybe…maybe it’s not real. What I’m feeling, I mean. Maybe I just like her because she makes me feel seen.”
Suhab ran fingers through Mariyah’s hair. “You deserve to feel seen. As I said, I cannot give you advice on courting or pursuing her. But she sounds like she would be an excellent friend.”
She kissed Mariyah’s forehead, bidding her goodnight. Mariyah spent the night fighting herself and her feelings. She didn’t rebel often, but the urge nipped at her like an angry chihuahua. Her feelings for Libby were so strong already and she couldn’t envision it lessening. If anything, it would grow so guarantuan her heart and head would burst.
So she decided, against her best judgement, to figure out a way to ask Libby on a date.
***
That Monday, Mariyah worked up her courage while she waited for Libby to arrive at class. She’d start simple, invite Libby to the D&D club. Ask to hold her hand. Romantic stuff, whatever the hell that meant. She’d done a little research on the family computer, searching things like “Date ideas”, “how to ask a girl to hold her hand”, and “How to date someone” before erasing the search history.
Libby came strutting in, her usual pep in her step accompanying. She sat by Mariyah, giggling and kicking her feet.
“Guess what?!” She said.
“What?”
“I got the best news today.” Libby replied, twirling a braid.
“What’s the news?”
“I have a boyfriend now!”
Mariyah’s whole world shattered. She stammered, “A boyfriend?”
“Yeah! His name is Noah. Oh, he’s soooo cute! I met him before school the other day, saw him drawing. I really, really want you to meet him! I think y’all would like each other.”
Tears threatened to fall. But Mariyah nodded, masked her disappointment.
“That sounds like a good idea,” she muttered.
Libby frowned. “Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?”
Batting her tears away, Mariyah smiled. “No, you’re good.”
Mariyah met Noah for the first time after school, following Libby as she walked to the campus library. Outside, leaning against a pole, a short, stubby Blasian kid brightened at the sight of Libby bounding towards him. He wore green-and-black striped leg warmers, a distressed shirt (that was sure to be out of dress code), and baggy black cargo shorts. Leather boots began halfway-down his calf, ending at his tiny feet. Something about the sight of him fostered jealousy, but Mariyah swallowed it all down. She’d process it later.
First, she needed to see how Noah was boyfriend material. He was certainly cute–lovely brown eyes, a nose that reddened at the tip, and plush lips–but he wasn’t a good match for Libby. She didn’t really have a reason why he wasn’t, simply a profound gut feeling. I’m a better match, Mariyah thought. Me and Libby are perfect for each other.
“Noah, this is the friend I was talking about.”
Noah stared at her. Unblinking. He crossed his arms. “Are you transgender?”
Mariyah’s eyes widened. “Huh?”
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “That’s not something I should blurt out, I guess. You just remind me of me.”
“I don’t even know what that word means.” She admitted.
He told her the definition, and for a moment, the envy faded. Instead, she pondered if he was right. Her whole life, she grappled with her gender, and the expectations of manhood. Maybe Noah was more spot-on than he meant to be.
Nevermind that, though. That was a puzzle for later. Mariyah straightened as best she could leaning against the crutches. “So, you’re Libby’s boyfriend?”
“Yeah,” he smiled at Libby as she glued to his hip, draping an arm over his chest. “I asked her out today.”
That’s what I was gonna do! Mariyah thought, gritting her teeth. She tried to reply, but nothing came out. Her legs started to shake from being in one position for too long.
“Your legs are wobbling.” Noah pointed out. “Let’s sit at the table.”
The three occupied one sitting to the left of the entrance. Libby and Noah took one side, Mariyah the other. Mariyah checked her watch as Noah wrapped his arm around Libby. “Won’t we get in trouble for sitting here?”
“Nah. Not until five,” Noah answered. “Me and Libs have been sitting here every day since last week.”
“The breeze is always really nice, and the sun’s blocked by the trees.” Libby added. “Anyway…Noah and I wanna know if you like horror movies.”
“Why?”
“‘Cause we’re gonna sneak into one after this. He has money for an extra ticket. It’s yours if you wanna tag along.”
The words “sneak” and “horror movies” made a bubble of anxiety form in Mariyah’s gut. She didn’t rebel, she didn’t tiptoe around. Yet, perhaps due to wanting to impress Libby, she leaned towards agreeance. She could make some excuse about her D&D group wanting to hang out late. Nodding, she tried to smile.
“Sure. Uh…how far is the theater? I don’t think I can walk more than five minutes.” Mariyah said.
“No need. My dad’s gonna take us. He thinks we’re gonna watch a kids movie.”
Before Mariyah knew it, she joined Noah and Libby at the parent-pickup area. The two put distance between themselves the moment they were in eyesight of anyone driving. Mariyah raised an eyebrow in confusion. Sensing it, Libby spoke.
“I’m not allowed to date,” She whispered. “So as far as anyone knows? Me and Noah are just friends.”
Mariyah leaned towards her slightly. “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”
Libby smiled.
A brown sedan crawled down the street, parking directly in front of the triad. The passenger window rolled down as Libby opened the door. A muscular, stocky Black man leaned forward, dipping down costly sunglasses. Libby settled in her seat and closed the door.
“Elizabeth, you didn’t tell me your friends were boys.” Demetrius said, glaring at Noah and Mariyah.
Libby groaned. “Oh my God, Dad, relax. They’re just my friends.” She looked towards them, cracking a nervous grin. “Right, guys?”
Noah and Mariyah nodded in sync. Satiated, Demetrius unlocked the door. Noah scooted to the far side as, like always, Mariyah struggled to get her crutches into the car. He gestured for the mobility aids.
“I’ll take them.”
She handed the pair over and he folded them, putting them by his feet. As she tried to get in, she audibly grumbled. A hand appeared near her face, palm up. Offering help.
Looking at Noah, Mariyah accepted it. He squeezed her hand tight, providing stability so she could crawl in easier. Throwing her head back in relief, she shut the door. As Demetrius left the parking lot, Mariyah glimpsed in Noah’s direction.
“Thanks.” She said.
Noah smirked. He brought his voice to a whisper. “You’re still holding my hand.”
Mariyah snatched it away, cheeks ablaze.
Throughout the whole ride, nobody spoke. No music played, either. Although Mariyah could only see Libby’s shoulder and head, she registered how tense she looked. She kept nervously looking at her father, then down at her hands. She only bounced back to life once Demetrius dropped the three off in front of the building. As Libby trotted towards the line of movie posters, Demetrius cleared his throat at Noah and Mariyah. They turned, finding his window down again.
“I got eyes all over this town.” he said. “You two better behave around my daughter.”
With that, he sped off. Noah giggled, waiting until his vehicle vanished to speak. “Who’s gonna tell him I’m about to make out with her the whole movie?”
“Ew! You better not. It’ll distract me.” Mariyah said, walking with him to meet with Libby. “With…all the noises, I mean. I wouldn’t be watching…”
“I’m fucking with you. I’m just gonna hold her hand. We haven’t even kissed yet.”
That made Mariyah’s shoulder deflate a little. So did Noah paying for all three tickets at the booth, and the way his curls moved when he bounced on his feet. She thought about how he helped her into the car. He’s nice, she thought, remorseful over her shortness with him. Maybe I should be too.
The three snuck into the movie they actually wanted to watch, not the cartoon Noah bought tickets for. Before the film began, Libby ran to the bathroom, leaving Noah and Mariyah alone. He sat to the right of her, fiddling with his shirt and picking out an elastic band that kept rolling into his pudge. Letting out a sigh of discontent, he melted into the seat. Mariyah thought about the word he taught her earlier.
“So…did you choose your name?”
Noah tapped his fingers. “Why?”
“You said some transgender people change their names, so…I guess I was just wondering. Sorry.”
“You’re good. I was born as Noah. I got lucky, I guess. I don’t really want to change it.”
She nodded slowly. “How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“What you’re doing. The… gender stuff.” She asked, leaning forward. “How did you figure it out?”
He chuckled. “It’s a long explanation.”
“I’m fine with long explanations. Go ahead.”
“For me, it was like customizing an avatar in a video game. Seeing what felt right, seeing what didn’t. But everyone’s different, you know? What worked for me won’t work for other people. Anyone can be anything they want. Boy, girl, thing, creature,” He looked at her directly. “Once you know there’s no limits, it’s fun to dive in and figure out where you stand.”
Fascinated, Mariyah matched his gaze. “Earlier, you mentioned hormones, as in, testosterone and estrogen?”
“Yes.”
She paused. “Is that something you would want?”
“Yeah. I’m gonna start T when I turn fifteen.”
“And I assume…you’d look more boyish after a while?”
“Yep. And it’s the opposite for estrogen.”
“Do you know about the effects of estrogen? …Just curious.”
As he rattled off a list, Mariyah closed her eyes. She imagined having a more prominent chest and hips, her skin growing softer. The image both terrified and enraptured her. Maybe one day, she thought.
“I’m surprised you’re so open about all this, and being trans.” She mumbled, slightly changing the subject.
“I’m not, really. Only to people I trust, like Libby and my mom. And…you now, I guess.”
A new feeling emerged in Mariyah’s brain–curiousity, centered on Noah. He wasn’t anything like she’d seen before, just like Libby. Could she put aside her feelings for Libby to befriend him? Looking at his kind face, she believed she could. She envisioned more days in front of the library. Maybe he could share more about estrogen, and maybe she could still be close with Libby.
Libby came back as the lights dimmed. She rushed into her seat, snuggling against Noah’s shoulder. No biggie, Mariyah thought.
But after the movie–a relatively decent slasher set during a summer camp–Libby kissed Noah in the hallway. Right on the lips, holding both his hands. At first, his eyes were wide, but he melted into it. Mariyah watched it unfold, all logic overriding in favor of boiling hot anger.
She would need to sort her emotions out quickly.
***
It didn’t take long to build a weekly schedule with Libby and Noah. The two wound up joining her D&D group, Libby playing and Noah observing. She eventually told her parents of the pair, and got permission to hang out with them more often. On Thursdays, Demetrius would drive the three to the park or Libby’s house. He and his wife remained blissfully unaware of Libby and Noah’s relationship.
And Mariyah, now stuck in its orbit.
Strange things were happening. After the movie, Mariyah stayed up all night rationalizing and packing up her feelings. Her emotions now closet skeletons, she figured the situation was handled. And for a while, it was–Mariyah cheered the two on. She simply loved being around them, enjoying the conversations and easygoing banter. It also felt nice when, on the occasion, Libby and Noah held her hands at the same time. Noah and Libby’s heads naturally found Mariyah’s shoulders while they watched elementary schoolers play on park equipment, too.
And when Noah nearly kissed her on one occasion, she didn’t mind that much.
He’d been helping her stand up from a bench, one hand providing support and another holding her crutches. When she straightened and took them, she made the mistake of looking at him.
His eyes fell to her lips, then rose in a rare moment of eye contact. He swayed ever so slightly in her direction, eyes longing, before tearing away and walking towards Libby.
Libby was just as affectionate with her, if not more. She kissed Mariyah’s cheek constantly, tousled and played with her curls. In her room, her and Libby would take the bed while Noah lay on the floor, drawing. Their forearms always squished together as they watched movies.
The interactions stirred Mariyah up in the worst way imaginable. Her crush for Libby wasn’t going away, and now she was catching feelings for Noah. If she wasn’t allowed to date one person, she could only imagine how ‘wrong’ it’d be to date two. So she resigned herself to admiration from a distance.
That was, until Noah wouldn’t let her.
“You have a crush on us, don’t you?”
He sprung the question on a rare occasion Libby was absent. Mariyah and Noah didn’t break the ritual of sitting in front of the library.
“I do not.” Mariyah immediately denied, not looking up from her notebook.
“Oh please. I’ve seen the puppy eyes.”
“Well, you two are dating, so give it a rest.” She snapped.
“Woah. Chill out. If you hear me out, you might like what I say.”
“…Fine.”
“Me and Libby have been talking,” he stammered over his words, nervously scratching his head. “Do you wanna join us?”
Mariyah’s mouth hung ajar. “Like…date both of you?”
He nodded, and she stroked her chin thoughtfully. Could this solve her yearning for Libby, and help explore her own admiration for Noah?
Mariyah beamed at him. “Sure, why not?”
May 2015
After a grueling plane ride and hour-long drive, all Mariyah wanted to do was relax. As soon as she got into the cabin, she collapsed facedown on the couch. Libby offered to massage Mariyah as soon as they finished dinner. Her whole body on fire from the travelling, she accepted. As Libby kneaded her muscles, she let out frustrated sighs.
“Ow!” Mariyah yelped as Libby worked out a particularly gnarly knot on her hip. Sensing her unrest, she glanced up at her. “…Baby, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Libby mumbled. “Don’t wanna talk right now.”
Respecting Libby’s wishes, Mariyah closed her eyes, allowing the touches to take her away into bliss. As soon as Libby moved away, she opened one eye, cracking a silly grin.
“Wanna test out the hot tub?”
The life in Libby’s eyes returned. “Fuck yes!”
Donning bathing suits, the pair ventured onto the back porch of the cabin. A massive hot tub took up at least a fourth of the wooden floor. Removing the cover, Libby helped Mariyah climb in before joining her. She jolted at the temperature, causing a laugh from Mariyah.
“Oh, this feels great,” Libby said, sinking into the seat. “This is exactly what I needed.”
At first, the two gazed out at the scenery. Far away, dozens of mountains peeked above the horizon. When Libby’s lips met Mariyah’s, she knew Libby was feeling better. Happy to see her rejuvenated, she firmly gripped her waist, deepening each subsequent kiss that followed. Libby’s touches grew needier, hungrier. A gasp escaped Libby’s throat when Mariyah trapped her earlobe between her teeth.
“Please touch me,” Libby requested, so quietly Mariyah could barely hear her over crickets droning on. Mariyah’s fingers roamed towards Libby’s pussy. One teased her clit over her bikini and Libby melted, lowering her voice as she said, “Thank you, Princess.”
Libby kissed her passionately as Mariyah worked her digits, smiling as her girlfriend moaned into her mouth. Returning the favor, Libby stroked Mariyah’s clit, wrapping her hand around its length. With a gasp, Mariyah pulled away, letting Libby nibble at her neck. For thirty minutes they got each other off, agonizingly slow, edging. Anytime either would get close to cumming, all motion would stop. Soon uncomfortably hard, Mariyah couldn’t take it. Libby tossed a lusty gaze in her direction.
“Let’s go in so you can fuck me on the couch.” She said.
Making sure Mariyah got to the living room safely, Libby then vanished to retrieve a condom and lube. She came back completely naked, Mariyah ogling her lovely belly and gorgeous breasts laden with stretch marks. She slid off Mariyah’s swim trunks and pushed her shirt up. Nipples standing to attention, Libby climbed on top of Mariyah and licked them. All the while, she gently trapped Mariyah’s clit between her thighs. She rocked back and forth, stimulating her, Mariyah’s tip leaking precum every time it neared her pussy.
“What do you want, Princess?” Libby whispered into her ear, squeezing one of her breasts.
“Give me your pussy, please,” Mariyah whined, hands diving towards Libby’s ass.
Lubing Mariyah up and putting on the condom, Libby guided Mariyah inside her. A moan of satisfaction escaped both as Libby grasped Mariyah’s waist, riding as she ran a thumb along her flesh. Mariyah’s vision blurred at the sensations, the warmth hugging her clit intoxicating. Hips hungrily snapping against her, ravenous, Mariyah neared the brink. Her nails dug into Libby’s skin, pleasure sending her up and away into the heavens.
Only for Libby to abruptly cease all movements with a smirk. Mariyah whimpered, throbbing inside of her. “Please.” She begged. “Please let me cum.”
Knowing the kinky ritual–denying Mariyah twice, making her beg as a requirement to bestow an earth-shattering orgasm–Libby resumed her motions. This time, she wrapped her hand around Mariyah’s neck, firmly pressing the sides.
“Good girl,” Libby moaned, walls clenching around her as she leaned forward. She established a steady rhythm, hands exploring and cupping Mariyah’s breasts. “Beg again.”
“Libby–please….please! I need…I need to cum,” Mariyah rasped, crying out when Libby played with her nipple. “Please let me cum in your pussy! Fuck, fuck–”
Libby parted her lips with a thumb, smiling down at her. “Go ahead. Cum for me.”
Exploding internally, her heartrate and groin resembling fireworks, heat and pleasure combed through Mariyah’s body. The release, as always, left tears pouring down her face. Libby caught each one, slowly moving off to sit on Mariyah’s stomach.
“Good job, Princess,” she peppered Mariyah’s face with kisses. “I’m right here. I love you.”
“I love you too,” Mariyah said, eyes still hazy. “Sit on my face; I wanna make you cum too.”
Libby obeyed the command, settling onto Mariyah’s mouth. With Mariyah’s expert tongue and already being worked up from earlier, it took mere minutes for Libby’s thighs to trap Mariyah’s head, spasming as she orgasmed. As soon as she moved away, slick trickled down Mariyah’s chin and onto her neck.
Carrying out the aftercare routine, Libby gave Mariyah a shower and tucked her into bed. As Libby cleaned off and sang at the top of her lungs, Mariyah reached for her tote bag sitting on a nightstand. She pulled out a tiny, velvet box containing the engagement ring, tucking it under her thigh. As the water shut off, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
Since Mariyah was thirteen, Libby was all she ever wanted. She couldn’t wait to see her walking down the aisle. Fantasizing about Libby’s reaction to the ring, her heart swelled, threatening to burst through her ribcage.
Now dressed and donning a bonnet, Libby climbed into bed. She turned on a tiny box tv sitting on a wooden dresser and got comfortable. The air thick with tension, Mariyah cut through it with a quiet, content voice.
“Can we talk about the future?”
“Hm…” Libby faced her. “Like, five minutes into the future? Or like…when we’re wrinkly and old?”
“Just…all of it. I have some things I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”
“Me too.” Libby said.
Is she gonna propose too? Mariyah pondered internally. Giddy at the thought of a double proposal, she grinned. “You can go first.”
“It’s kinda embarrassing for me to talk about.” She deeply sighed. “But I want to have a family with you.”
“We can totally get a dog or a cat.”
Libby stifled a laugh. “I’m talking about a kid. I want us to have a baby together.”
Though this shocked Mariyah, the idea wasn’t unwelcome. She was more concerned about money than anything. “Not now, right…? I mean, we’re okay financially, but I’d want to have more savings in place.”
“We’re on the same page, don’t worry. I’m not tryna go into debt. We can talk about it more later,” Libby nuzzled her arm. “What about you? What’s in your future orb, my dear?”
Here goes, Mariyah thought, retrieving the ring box. Sitting up, she unveiled it to Libby. Popping the lid open, she smiled.
“Your hand in marriage.”
Libby
May 2015
Click.
Libby secured her final shot, giving an actress a thumbs up as she backed away from her tripod.
“Okay! You’re all done!” She cheered. “I’ll email you the photos as soon as they’re ready!”
The petite Black woman shyly walked up. “Thank you so much! Can I hug you?”
“Yeah!”
Granting a crushing embrace, Libby waited for her to leave before packing up. Today, she’d taken free headshots for eighty-six Black actors and actresses. Excited to edit all of it as soon as she got home, she skipped out of the warehouse and got in her car.
Halfway through the drive home, Libby daydreamed about the upcoming trip to Gatlinburg. It was two days away now, and she couldn’t be more excited.
Her happiness dissipated when her phone rang, and she saw her father’s face appear on the screen. Picking it up, she answered, forcing herself not to sigh.
“Yes?”
“Well, hello to you, too.”
She rolled her eyes, putting him on speaker. “What do you want?”
Demetrius only called her when he was in trouble with his wife, Kadrea. Money trouble. Kadrea worked her ass off at an IT company–as she’d done Libby’s whole life–only for Demetrius to sabotage the relationship with several affairs and cash-stealing. Despite this, she refused to divorce, for reasons unknown to her daughter. Libby hated being in the middle of it–her main incentive for relocating with Mariyah.
“I’m in Chicago.” He said.
Libby nearly drove off the road. “What?”
“Kadrea pushed me to get an out-of-state job for a bit. I found one here that lasts a few weeks. I have some time off tomorrow, and I’d like to see you.”
“And what makes you think I’d want that?”
Growing up, Libby was the perfect daughter. She got good grades, cleaned up after herself, lended an ear every time her mother sobbed about Demetrius. She’d done the same for him, although he refused to cry in front of her, instead resigning to angrily rant. But meeting her best friends and partner gave her the strength to put herself first, and as soon as she could, she bailed. The only reason Demetrius and Kadrea weren’t blocked was in case one of them dropped dead.
“Listen, kid. I’m…I’m trying, okay?” He said, a frustrated breath leaving his lips. “Your mom said I should try and make plans with you. We haven’t heard from you in years. Not beyond a ‘thanks’ when we tell you happy birthday, or happy anniversary.”
“You should think about why that is.”
Click. This time, the sound irked her as she hung up.
She came home soured, all the colors encompassing her lively demeanor graying out. Instead of editing the photos, she stared at ones from her childhood. She’d stolen a handful from home before she moved, wanting to reminisce when things were easier.
Or, rather, when they felt easier. As a kid, she didn’t process the screaming in the room over, or the instances of arguing in front of her. She’d been glued to TV screens, fixating on whatever movie Demetrius put on. More often than not, those were horror movies she wasn’t supposed to be watching. Oddly enough, the viscera and disturbing elements brought Libby peace.
Thumbing over a baby photo–one where Demetrius and Kadrea posed in a field, holding each of her tiny hands–she cried. She hated marriage. She knew some people found “happily ever afters” in wedlock, but her hope in such had shattered. What was the point? Spend thousands on a fancy wedding, only for the union to potentially unravel or riven over time? For animosity to fester and poison and kill, until two humans are reduced to husks?
She would never risk it. She was grateful Mariyah never brought the subject up, as she’d turn it down immediately.
That night, while packing for the trip, Mariyah noticed her dampened aura. “Are you okay?” She asked.
Libby smiled at her suitcase, but not at her. Hoping Mariyah couldn’t detect the falseness of it. “I’m fine, Princess.”
“I know you aren’t, but if you don’t wanna talk, that’s okay.”
“Yeah…not right now.”
“Can I share some news?”
“Go ahead.”
“I talked to Noah.”
A little hurt that he answered Mariyah and not her, Libby looked up. “Oh? And how’s he doing?”
“Not good. I mean, he was acting like he was okay, but I know him. I told him he needs to get out of the house, even if it’s just for a bit. We got into a scuffle over it. But we both apologized.” She nibbled on her lower lip. “He said he needs space.”
The pang of hurt subsided. Well, that’s why he didn’t text me back, Libby thought. “One of these days, I wanna go see him. Maybe…maybe Bug too.”
“I’m not ready for that.”
Libby sucked in a breath. “I don’t know if I am either, but….I feel bad for abandoning them.”
“We didn’t abandon them,” Mariyah swallowed. “Bug needed help that was beyond what we could offer. If anything, we made the right call. We were no use to them trying to juggle a restart of our own. And we’re still no use if we try to force a reconciliation. It needs to be natural.”
“You’re right.”
“And…I didn’t wanna say anything, but…”
“But what?”
“Demetrius texted me.”
Flying into a rage at the drop of a dime, Libby slammed her suitcase shut. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am. He told me he wanted to come over.”
“Did you respond?”
“Fuck no. I would never speak to him or agree to anything without talking to you first.”
Libby started to sob. “Oh my God, why can’t he just fuck off?”
Mariyah scooted her bags to the opposite side of the bed, freeing the spot next to her. “Come here, baby,” gluing to Mariyah’s side, Libby melted as she kissed her forehead. “Do you want suggestions?”
“Yeah.”
“Ignore him for now. You can always talk to him later. But this weekend? It’s for us. I want us to both be able to relax. I already told my mom not to call me, so I won’t have shit to worry about either.”
Agreeing it was the best course of action, Libby blocked Demetrius’ and Kadrea’s numbers. As soon as she did, a wave of relief coursed through her. She held Mariyah’s hands. “Wow. I feel better already.”
“Good. Now let’s finish up. I’m dying to cuddle up with you.”
Libby blushed, lips curling into a smile.
***
Landing in Knoxville, Libby and Mariyah grabbed a bite to eat and headed for Gatlinburg. The rental car reeked of cigarette smoke, much to both of their discontent, but the weather outside made having the windows down tolerable. As Libby drove through the mountains, she allowed the breeze hitting her face to cease all worries.
She’d admittedly been anxious the whole plane ride about blocking her parents. Sure, she had willingly withdrawn, paved her own path. But the two always had access to her if there was an emergency. Her mind awash with anxieties, she tried to drown it all out with music and a hand on Mariyah’s thigh.
It didn’t work.
She dissociated through the shuffle inside the cabin, the unpacking, massaging Mariyah’s shoulders. Only returning to reality inside the hot tub, Mariyah’s skin pressed against hers brought comfort. She watched lovingly as Mariyah leaned her head back, letting the wind send her curls askew. The sight captivated Libby–and arousal pooled in her lower half.
The subsequent tango lifted her spirits, returning Libby to her normal bubbly self. She loved seeing Mariyah pleasured, and her willingness to pleasure Libby in return. As she showered, she reflected on how grateful she was for the relationship. No pressure, no obsession with the concept of leveling up the dynamic through shoddy vows.
Or, at least that’s what she believed–all the way until she joined Mariyah on the bed. The conversation went just fine until Mariyah unveiled a ring box, accompanied by the last thing Libby wanted to hear.
January 2009
It’d been two months since Mariyah, Libby, and Noah started dating each other. None knew what they were doing, mostly going with the flow.
The three discovered what worked in a relationship, and what didn’t. While Libby and Noah were influenced by what they knew about dating, Mariyah had no frame of reference. The three held many discussions–as eloquently as middle schoolers could–about how the dynamic would work. It was ultimately decided to treat each other as equals, nobody prioritized over the other.
Libby didn’t have a problem with this until she kissed Mariyah for the first time.
They’d been sitting by the library, waiting for Noah to finish an after-school meeting with a teacher. At this point, Noah had separately kissed Mariyah and Libby, but the two had yet to kiss each other. He teased the pair about it frequently, but for some reason, neither Libby nor Mariyah could work up the courage. They’d stare at each other, bug-eyed, deep red pervading their faces. It always ended with the two tearing their gazes away.
But that day, Mariyah put her hand on Libby’s knee. “Can I kiss you?” she asked forwardly.
“Now?”
“Yeah.”
Butterflies twirled in Libby’s stomach. “Please.”
The kiss that followed was tender, enhanced with the taste of Mariyah’s chapstick. Libby thought to pull away, but instinctively deepened the kiss. Before she knew it, the two made out, way longer than either did with Noah. Hands grasped jaws until Libby was in Mariyah’s lap. Even though the world spun, Libby kept going.
“Woah. Y’all are gonna vacuum each other’s faces off.” Flying apart from Mariyah at lighting speed, Libby sheepishly looked at Noah. He stood in front, smirking with his hands on his hips. “I’m kidding. Just surprised it took this long.”
Kissing Mariyah, then Libby, he wiggled his way between them on the bench. Libby swore she saw disappointment in Mariyah’s face.
Tensions rose after that. Libby struggled to see Noah and Mariyah on the same plane. She adored Noah, but Mariyah was different. Every time she looked her way, Libby’s heart burst with joy. She’d sometimes cry at home because she missed Mariyah’s presence. Furthermore, Libby noticed Mariyah developed a competitive slant to the relationship. If Noah kissed Libby, she’d be quick to kiss next, drawing it out much longer. She’d try to outdo him in romantic gestures, too, bringing Libby handpicked flowers and chocolates. Noah didn’t seem to notice–or, if he did, it didn’t faze him–but it made Libby upset.
Everything blew up during an evening at her house. Libby half-listened to a movie while spectating a card match between Mariyah and Noah. Noah won three consecutive rounds, and Mariyah’s insistence to outmatch him in every facet reared its ugly head.
“Why can’t you let someone else win for once?” she snapped at him.
Noah looked at her in confusion. “Huh?”
“It’s always you, you, you. Why can’t you let me win sometimes?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” He said. “This is the first time we’ve played a card game.”
Libby watched Mariyah’s hands ball into fists. Heartbeat skyrocketing, she tried to diffuse. “Ilyas,” she said, remembering to call Mariyah by her last name like she requested. “Nobody’s competing.”
“That doesn’t make sense to me.” Mariyah insisted.
“Why?”
A look of hurt crossed her eyes. “I…I don’t know. My parents compete all the time, but…it’s fair, I think. One doesn’t win more than the other.”
“This relationship isn’t a competition, Illyas.” Noah said, leaning back with a frown. “Neither is this board game. We’re just having fun.”
She didn’t say anything for a long time, the three resigning to silence. Soon, she whispered, “You’re right. I’m sorry, Noah. That was mean. I don’t know why I got so upset…”
Libby knew at least part of that upset. She knew from the moment Mariyah kissed her. Mariyah, whether she would admit it or not, wanted Libby all to herself.
And Libby wanted the same the longer time went on.
One rainy day, during spring break, Libby invited Mariyah over. Noah was out-of-state with his mom. Demetrius and Kadrea mercifully left for a date night (not without Demeterius warning Mariyah to keep her hands to herself), leaving the two completely alone. The two snuggled up on the couch. Libby dug out an old game console at Mariyah’s request, and now ran laps around her in a racing game. Mariyah–a much better sport about losing than before–accepted her defeat on one condition.
“I want a kiss every time you win.”
“Deal.”
Every kiss made Libby’s heart flutter. After a while, controllers were cast aside, and she wound up laying beside Mariyah. Whenever their lips weren’t locked, she stared at her adoringly. Mariyah avoided eye contact, but rubbed a thumb across her cheek.
The intimacy forced Libby to acknowledge her true feelings for Mariyah. Clear as day, Libby could see a future with her. One where the two got out of Bakersville, made a life for themselves far, far away. She pictured a lovely home, her home, and disagreements that ended in communication, not grudges.
She couldn’t envision the same with Noah. Instead, she foresaw lots of phone calls and texts, check-ins. Genuine companionship–but not love. This gave her pause. Did she truly have romantic feelings for him, or had she accepted his proposition out of curiosity? And now that her curiosity was sated, was she satisfied with him? Or did she stick around simply because it was hard to differentiate if her adoration of him was platonic or romantic? Regardless, it was becoming harder and harder to share Mariyah. It ate her alive to see the two’s lips connect. You should be kissing me, not him, she would think every time without fail.
Mariyah lifted Libby’s chin. “What’s on your mind?”
“A lot of times when you kiss Noah… I want you to kiss me instead,” Libby admitted, only to bite down on her lip. “Does that make me bad?”
“No. I feel the same.” Mariyah paused. “How do you feel about Noah overall?”
“Well…I still like him. I think?” Libby groaned. “I don’t know. This is so confusing. I don’t wanna break up with him and regret it later.”
“Same here.”
“So what do we do?”
Mariyah slid their hands together. “Maybe time will sort things out.”
***
Time only made things worse.
Noah wasn’t impervious to the shift. Libby tried to hide her preference for Mariyah, but it didn’t work. Noah started going home right after school, stopped trying to join the hangouts Mariyah and Libby planned. Soon, he was a ghost.
Guilt ate away at Libby and Mariyah. The last thing either wanted to do was hurt him. In fact, both had hoped they could salvage the relationship. But as he drifted further and further away, those hopes dissipated.
Libby put a pause on everything with Mariyah until she could talk to Noah. She needed this resolved before she felt comfortable being romantic with Mariyah again. So she tried to hunt Noah down, an impossible task since the two shared no classes, nor lunch.
One day she found him huddled in a corner before school, face in his knees as he hugged them. She approached cautiously, holding her breath before sighing. “Hey.”
“Hey…”
“I need to talk to you. Me and Mariyah miss you.”
He unraveled, coming to a stand. Tear stains on his cheeks, he tried to wipe them away.
“Libby,” his tone uncharacteristically serious, Libby’s chest tightened. He continued. “You don’t have to keep lying to me.”
“Lying? I’m not–”
“You two are into each other. Not me,” he said, taking a step towards her. “And that’s okay. You don’t have to pretend.”
Libby frowned, “I’m…I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Like, really, I’m good with it. But I’m done, okay? I want to be friends with you guys, but that’s it. Nothing else.”
A tear fell down his face, and she wiped it, unthinking. “I’ll let Ilyas know,” she told him. “Can I kiss you one last time?”
“Why?” He questioned.
“Because you were my first boyfriend, and that still means a lot to me.” She told him.
He nodded. She brushed her thumb across his jaw as she kissed him. It lasted longer than any of the ones they shared during the relationship. Noah pulled away.
“When I say I wanna be friends, I mean it. I really admire both of you.” He admitted. “Can you pass it on to Mariyah?”
“I will but no pressure, okay? We were shitty for ignoring everything for so long. So you change your mind, that’s okay too. Take your time.”
The two shared an embrace before departing. As promised Libby, broke the news to Mariyah right before class.
“Shit…” Mariyah frowned. “I fucked up, didn’t I?”
“It’s both of our faults. I dragged him along as much as you did,” Libby replied. “But he said he still wants to be our friend. I told him to take his time, and it’s okay if he changes his mind.”
“I agree,” As always she was quick to shift subjects. “Does that mean you and I are still dating?”
“Yeah, if you want. When I said I’m really into you, I meant it.”
“Even if I decide I want to transition? Even if I change my name?”
“Yeah! I’m totally fine with that.” She took Mariyah’s hand beneath the desk. “I want you to be happy. Whatever that means. Whatever you want for us.”
The pair smiled at each other, hands meeting beneath the desk.
May 2015
Libby was gobsmacked at the sight before her. A beautiful gold ring twinkled under the lamplight, an emerald taunting Libby. Her heart wrenched in her chest, and no words came. Though this was a nightmare come true, she still tried to force herself to say yes.
Yes, I’ll marry you. I’ll tie us together forever, even if the fear of ending up like our parents eats me alive.
Yes, I want to feel sick every time I glance at my ring finger, knowing I’m trapped.
No.
She couldn’t do that to herself. Mariyah was her soulmate, no doubt. Marriage wouldn’t change that, nor enhance it. She refused to end up like her parents.
“Princess… I love you so much,” she began, trying not to cry. “But I can’t marry you.”
Mariyah’s face fell, the box slipping from her hands.“Oh…”
She discarded the ring, tossing it on the bed and hurriedly grabbing her crutches so she could escape. Libby gently took her arm. “Wait! Can you hear me out? I can give you space after, but…I wanna talk this through.”
Still not looking at her, Mariyah conceded. “Alright. Go ahead.”
“Look. Marriage isn’t for me. Demetrius and Kadrea ruined the idea of it and…I don’t want to pretend they didn’t. Same with watching your parents divorce. I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t spend every day leading up to and after the wedding terrified. Terrified that one day, the love we share would crumble into petty arguments and pain,” She explained, eyes bleary. “I’m your ride or die, there ain’t no doubt about that. You have me forever. But I don’t want to be wedlocked. You also didn’t bring this up with me beforehand. Big decisions like this gotta be discussed, you know?”
“I was so excited I didn’t think about any of that.” Mariyah admitted. “But you’re right. I should’ve mentioned it. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay…” Libby fiddled with her hands. “Are you wanting to break up?”
“Hell no,” With a grin, Mariyah cupped her face. “You’re my ride or die too. I don’t have to be married to you to know that. I’m sorry for asking without talking to you first.”
“It’s okay. I forgive you.”
Embracing, the two sobbed into each other’s arms. Rocking slowly, Libby soon clung to Mariyah’s waist. As Mariyah petted her braids, Libby hummed in content and picked up the ring box.
“It’s a beautiful ring, though. Can I wear it on my right hand?”
“Why?”
“It can still represent our devotion.” Libby said with a smile. “It don’t have to be related to marriage.”
Relief washed over the couple in steady tides. Mariyah peppered kisses all over Libby’s face. “So let’s talk about something you do want,” She touched Libby’s belly. “A baby, huh?”
Libby flushed. “I know it’s a lot.”
“I’m mostly worried about you. But if you think you’ll be okay, I’m happy to try once we have more money.”
“What about estrogen?”
Mariyah shrugged. “I’ll talk to my doctor, see how to go about it. I don’t mind being off it for a little while.”
“What if a ‘little while’ turns into years? I don’t want you to be dysphoric.”
“I won’t be. I’m so comfortable in my body now—she’s my home. And knowing I can go back on it later helps a ton,” She explained, beaming at Libby as she put a hand on her thigh. “I’ll talk to my doctor soon. How’s that sound?”
“That sounds perfect,” Libby said, playfully kissing her ear. “You down for a practice run?”
Mariyah stared at her, eyebrow raised. “A practice run for what?”
Libby splayed her hands across Mariyah’s collarbones, casting a flirtatious gaze. “Putting a baby in me.”
Mariyah grinned, dipping down to nuzzle her wrists. “Hell yes.”