Blurb:
19-year-old Chul is taken under the wing of a Black trans woman after being sentenced to life in prison.
Content Warnings:
Violence (general, staff-on-prisoner, gun), false rape allegations + charges, death row (discussed but not shown), misgendering (two instances), solitary confinement, depictions of hallucinations and delusions, depictions of psychosis, grooming (discussed but not shown), strangulation, transphobia (unsupportive family and denial of HRT), home invasion (mentioned and discussed, not shown)
**If I missed any content warnings, please contact me via email and I will update them as soon as possible.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
On cold, lifeless evenings, Ruby Seymour enjoyed hearing the whistle of wind. She’d sit on her porch, eyes up on the sky, Bible tucked beneath her withered arms. Her readings always spent there, she reveled in routine.
But tonight brought unexpected company.
Right as she read Galatians 6:2–“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ”—a strange sight befell her. She closed her book, and waved from her wooden rocking chair.
“Is everything alright?” Was her first question.
A woman limped across Ruby’s yard, clutching her hip. She approached with a downcast gaze, and Ruby saw her shiver.
“Say that again?” She requested.
Ruby looked at a motorcycle propped against the fence. “You Aiden’s roommate?”
Ruby’s husband’s tenant, Aiden, was a janitor at her school. She’d seen him the day prior, when her and the staff threw him a farewell party. She knew he had a lady friend that he planned to move away with, but she didn’t know much else. Not her name, nor how deep the relationship ran. She met her only once in 1994.
Ruby had come over with a birthday present for Aiden, who, at the time, was taking a break from work. She’d found a lovely deep blue fabric at the store and thought of him, knowing his sewing habits. A formidable, tall Black woman answering her knock at the door was the last thing Ruby expected. Hollow, confused umber eyes had stared at her. She accepted the gift after a brief conversation, only to vanish back into the house.
The woman looked the exact same now, complete with an aura of desperation.
“Yes, ma’am,” she clarified. “That’s me. S-Sorry to show up out of nowhere, but…need to speak with you. And quick. Very quick.”
Ruby bowed her head, “Alright, sure. Why don’t you come inside?”
Though Aiden’s roommate appeared to be in a rush, she followed Ruby into the house. The two sat at the dining room table, where Ruby tapped her fingers. “So. What’s the matter?”
“Something awful happened in the apartment. Afraid I’m gonna have to…” she choked out the words, peering at Ruby beneath the orange locs obscuring her face. “Burn. Burn it down, yes. Have to do that, very, very very soon. Soon as I get back.”
“What happened?”
“Got attacked. Had to defend ourselves.”
“Is Aiden safe?”
She nodded. “Yes. Far, far from here he is. Far from my mistake.”
Unfazed by the information, Ruby leaned back. “And what do you want me to say if the pigs start sniffin’?”
Plucking a stack of dollar bills from her shirt, she slid it onto the table. “Nothing. Ain’t nobody lived there in over a decade,” eyes pleading, she pushed it further. “Beg of you.”
“Chile, keep your money. My lips are sealed,” Ruby said. “Aiden is family to me. Which means you are too, even though I ain’t seen much of you. Family’s gotta protect each other. Do what you gotta do.”
The other woman devolved into tears, returning the money to her blouse before standing up. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”
She limped out of the house, Ruby going after her. Before she could fully hop on the bike, Ruby shouted, “Wait!”
Staring Ruby she closed the distance between them, Aiden’s roommate frowned. “Yes?”
“Try to keep your head down. I think Aiden’d hate to see something bad happen to you,” She patted her shoulder. “Good luck.”
Glossy eyes met hers. “Thank you.”
With that, the stranger zoomed away. Ruby spoke nothing of the encounter to her husband, who’d woken up from the racket.
Not even 12 hours later, police came knocking on Ruby’s door while her husband wasn’t home. They told her someone had been arrested after burning down his property. Ruby feigned ignorance as promised, even when the woman’s mugshot was presented to her. Even when sadness filled Ruby’s gut, knowing she didn’t escape unscathed.
After the officers left, Ruby skimmed through her Bible. She gravitated to her favorite verses in Ecclesiastes chapter four:
9
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
2005
Handcuffs bit into Chul’s wrists, the in-and-out of radio chatter grating her ears. The cop in the driver’s seat smacked and suckled on bubblegum, making everything worse.
Could she not get a little moment of peace before her prison sentence began?
The answer was a resounding no, granted by the officer’s sudden urge for small talk. “Better enjoy the sun while you have it, kid.”
Chul’s lip curled into a sneer. “Excuse me?”
“I’m sure this’ll be the last time you’ll see it for a good while.”
Chul grumpily looked out the window, at the trees encroaching the interstate. “Fuck you,” she mumbled under her breath.
“What’d you say?”
“Nothin’,” she responded, blowing a long strand of light pink hair out of her face.
“You know, you’re awfully young to screw up your life so bad. I got twins your age, goin’ off to college. And here you are, sittin’ with a first degree rape charge. Let me guess–you didn’t really do it?”
“Do they pay you extra to terrorize anyone unlucky enough to be in your backseat? Cause whatever you’re tryna do here, ain’t gonna work on me. I got nothin’ to say to you.”
He laughed. “You’re a funny one.”
As he rambled on and on about his kids, Chul rested her head against the window. She squinted up at the sun, blinding herself, trying to forget the circumstances that landed her in this shitty situation. The trial was long over, her innocence unprovable. She needed to focus on how, as a 19-year-old trans kid, she’d survive one of Louisiana’s worst prisons for the rest of her life.
The remainder of the drive and intake process blurred. Chul dissociated through it, having no other choice. She wanted to scream, to run away from it all. This is my life now, she kept telling herself.
It didn’t feel real until she touched the stiff sheets of a thin, uncomfortable bed. It was one of two placed on opposite sides of the room. Before the guards left her to her lonesome, they informed her of a cellmate.
“Where is he?”
“Ain’t sure. All I gotta say is, you better watch your back around him,” With a toothy grin, he started to walk away. “Dinner starts at five, ‘less you plan on starvin’.”
Chul didn’t bother leaving the bed, laying stock still on the mattress. She wanted to cry, but not a single tear came. Images of the trial filled her mind, the disapproving glares from her parents. The same parents that threw her out into the streets, told her they’d sooner let her die there than transition under their roof.
She had no one. Not a single person on this planet could comfort or save her.
Right as she balled her hands into fists at her side, someone cleared their throat nearby. Chul sat up, looking over her shoulder to see…
A woman, not a man.
“Hm. Fresh meat,” the woman joked, albeit in a deadpan tone. “In my bed, you are.”
“Shit…I’m sorry.” Chul scrambled to the other side of the cell.
Chul watched as her cellmate limped and sat on the bed. A half-inch of ginger coils covered the woman’s scalp. Her arm muscles bulged as she put both hands behind her head, laying on her back. Umber eyes scrutinized Chul, wrinkles bunching at the ends.
“Relax, kid. Have a seat or something. Gotta get used to this place somehow.” She told her.
Chul opted to sit on the ground, picking at her sock. “Okay…”
“Tell me your name,” At the sight of Chul’s hesitation, her cellmate cracked a grin. “Doesn’t have to be your legal one.”
Interesting, Chul thought. “Uh…I go by Chul. You?”
“Call me Fox.”
“That’s your real name?”
“It’s my name here, given to me by my girls.”
“Your girls?”
“Women locked up in this shit heap. Meet them soon enough, you will.”
Chul realistically knew that other trans women were among the incarcerated. Yet she never considered encountering them this quickly, if at all. Eyeing up Fox’s features, she asked, “Are you one of these women?”
“Yes.”
Chul rubbed her arm. “It’s…good to know I won’t be alone, I guess.”
“There are four of us, including me. Five now, with you here.”
“I assume there ain’t no way to get hormones?”
Fox pursed her lips. “Unfortunately not. But we do what we can to affirm ourselves,” with a sigh, she closed her eyes. “Now, hate to be short with you, but I’m beat. Can ask me more questions tomorrow, when I introduce you to everyone.”
“Thank you.”
Halfway through a “No problem,” Fox slipped into slumber. Chul lowered herself onto the bed, laying down and facing the wall. As she did, the details of Fox’s face eclipsed her thoughts.
Chul had never seen a woman so beautiful.
***
Fox escorted Chul to roll call bright and early the next day. Chul slept surprisingly well, and she wanted to thank Fox for that. She felt safe in her presence, despite knowing her for mere hours by this point. Once all the prisoners were accounted for, Fox led Chul to a trio that lingered in the back of the room. Each person’s eyes lit up at the sight of Fox, as if she was the sun peaking through rain clouds.
The shortest of the batch, a Black woman a shade lighter than Fox, dapped her up. “Mornin’, lovey,” she said, giving Fox a kiss on the cheek.
“Mornin’ Nettie,” Fox replied, moving to a bearded Egyptian woman to repeat her motions. “Mornin’, Tauret.”
“Hey hey,” Tauret said. “You look like you actually got some sleep last night.”
“Sure did. Won’t be the case tonight,” Turning to the final person, an Indian woman, she held out her fist for a bump. “Mornin’, Scarlet.”
“Mornin’ sunshine. Who’s this youngin you got here?” She asked, looking Chul up and down.
Fox nudged Chul. “Introduce yourself.”
The older woman’s smile in her direction set Chul’s heart ablaze. She averted her gaze to the trio. “I’m Chul.”
“Whatcha in here for?” Tauret asked.
Chul’s heart sank. “Um…”
“Don’t feel pressured. All of ‘em are nosey,” Fox teased, patting Chul’s shoulder. “Tell us when you’re ready, or never. Doubt you’ve done anything that would make us cast you out.”
“How would you know?” Chul asked genuinely.
“Got a pretty good gut most of the time,” Fox said. “C’mon, let’s go eat.”
In the cafeteria—if one could call the cramped, suffocating and bleak area such—hundreds of eyes followed Chul and the group. While grabbing food, Chul largely ignored it. But she couldn’t take being stared at again when she left the line. She tried to acknowledge the glares, only for Fox gently take her by the waist, rushing her to an unoccupied table.
“Don’t look at anyone. Keep your eyes down.” Fox muttered.
Chul nodded, sitting down. The others populated the seats beside her, Fox occupying the one directly across. Chul’s cheeks burned, the sensation of Fox’s touch withstanding. It distracted her from the glowering, and from the chatter amongst the femmes. Chul couldn’t focus on a word Tauret, Scarlet and Nettie said. Her eyes kept falling to Fox’s lips, upturned in a kind smile as she observed the girls talk.
“Fox, you think Chul’s gonna last longer than your last cellmate?” Tauret said, bringing Chul out of her thoughts.
Fox turned her gaze onto Chul, eyes brightening. “Probably. Don’t see her as the instigating type.”
Chul chuckled. “What happened to the last one?”
“Kept egging me on. Was a stupid white supremacist fuck. Didn’t last long before I bashed his skull in, made him swallow all his teeth.”
“Oh.” Chul responded.
Giggles rippled around the table. Scarlet leaned forward, scooping a spoonful of slop. “They must’ve been out of beds for the prison to assign you with Fox, cause normally they avoid giving her cellmates,” she said, glancing at Fox. “How long ago was that?”
Fox shrugged. “Don’t remember. Maybe a year ago. Just glad my new company’s like me. Think we’ll get along swimmingly.”
Running into her gaze again, Chul smiled. “I agree.”
***
Chul’s first week flew by. She wound up assigned to the cafeteria for work, prepping ingredients and making soups from ungodly concoctions. In the gaps between work, eating, and showering, Fox’s sunny presence rendered Chul blind.
Even when Chul noticed cracks in Fox’s psyche.
The first sign appeared on a Wednesday night. All the way until morning, Fox fussed and mumbled from her side of the room. Chul couldn’t decipher most of her words—except several utterances of the word “Evil”—and didn’t know how to approach. Chul’s parents were the neglectful, ignore-everything type, and unfortunately, she’d been chiseled into their shape. That made it hard for her to know what people needed in times of distress, as she often felt emotionally detached.
But after three days of witnessing Fox’s strife, Chul couldn’t take it. It was something about how distressed the woman sounded. How when Chul would wake up, Fox would be staring dead at the walls, eyes bloodshot from crying. It perturbed Chul, and she wanted to help, even if she didn’t know how.
So at breakfast, when the trio took longer than usual to get to the table, Chul tried to ask, “Is everything okay?”
Fox’s eyes flickered over to the women slowly approaching. Nervous. “What you mean?”
Chul shifted, running her knuckles together. “You’ve been talkin’ to yourself. Acting real scared—”
“Worry about yourself.” Fox snapped.
Chul tried. She focused on getting accustomed to prison life, to the strict schedule. Thankfully, Fox and her girls made it less stressful. She could stick with them and avoid scuffles with male inmates. She often hung out with Nettie and Tauret.
But Fox captivated Chul. Her motherly grasp on the group wasn’t lost to her. She protected, guided, and made sure the girls were having a good time–as much as possible in prison. Curiosity took Chul by the throat, and she wanted to know why. Even the other women admitted they didn’t understand her motivations. Especially at the expense of her own mental and physical health, which apparently dwindled frequently.
Chul waited until both were in their separate beds for the night to bring it up.
“You’re awfully charitable, you know.” She said. “Always keeping watch, taking care of me and the other ladies. Why?”
“Simple answer. Enough suffering has been had by all of you. Continues to be had in these walls, too. Least I can do is provide a safety net. Better than being Evil.”
“Evil?” Chul echoed.
Fox didn’t elaborate, changing the subject. “Trying to psychoanalyze me, are you? Dissect me, my intentions?”
“Only ’cause niceness is in short supply these days. I question anyone who ain’t a selfish, bootlickin’ asshole. It’s the only way I’ve survived this long.”
Fox fell silent. Chul could swear she looked at her from across the room. She spoke in a kinder tone, “Appreciate the honesty. Promise there’s no ill intent behind my actions. Simply doing my part.”
Chul believed her. “You’re so kind. You know that?” She said, only to internally berate herself. What the fuck am I saying?
“That’s sweet of you to say…but you don’t really know me, kid.”
Chul wanted to. She longed to know Fox like the back of her hand.
2006
The longer Chul stayed with Fox, the more she saw that the other women didn’t. In front of the rest, where she couldn’t hide, Fox was calm, collected, and logical. Away from them, in the comfort of her cell, Fox behaved more erratically. She tried to hide it at first, only to have a breakdown that left her catatonic for several days. She didn’t leave her cell much, and Chul began bringing her food since she stopped eating. Fox would grumble a thanks, which always led to Chul saying the same thing:
“I’m here for you, you know? You can talk to me.”
Fox refused to at first. Back and forth Fox went, soaring in the clouds in terms of energy only to plummet. Yet as time went on, she spared Chul more details. Chul was more than happy to listen, providing comfort when prompted.
And yes, maybe a little of that had to do with the fact she had feelings for Fox.
An anomaly to Chul, she struggled with these emotions. Her only boyfriend—the very man who falsely accused her of the unthinkable—never stirred romantic inclinations within Chul. In fact, she’d been largely revolted by him. He was a rich white older white man named Cameron. He’d been desperate for affection, and she’d been a lonely closeted trans girl desperate for resources. The two began a sugar-daddy-and-baby relationship. She viewed the entire debacle as transactional, a mutually benefitting dynamic. Until Cameron insisted they were something far more than that, and forced a relationship. She tolerated it, on the precipice she could funnel his money to jumpstart her transition. But she never loved him, nor felt genuine attraction. As soon as he realized this, he concocted a tale of Chul “abusing the elderly,” complete with an account of rape that never occurred.
Unlike that slimebag, Fox left Chul’s heart screaming with one glance. Every time her hands grazed her in platonic, motherly touches, Chul’s hairs would stand on end. Occasionally, in the showers, Chul would gawk at Fox’s shoulders and back, her muscles moving as she washed herself. Not only was Fox physically attractive, but her empathy and wisdom enraptured Chul. She admired her personality above everything else.
Over time, emboldened by how easily Cameron had fallen for her, Chul believed she could pursue Fox. She schemed to woo the older woman, though she had no idea how she would. The scheming abruptly ended when, as Fox walked away from the cafeteria table one morning, Tauret and Nettie caught Chul ogling her behind.
“Oh, you better check yourself.” Nettie teased her.
Chul played it off with a shrug. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“I saw where your eyes were. I’m breaking it to you now–that woman never seeks company. Believe me, we all have offered.”
Tauret chimed in, “She shot every one of us down.”
“Do you know why?” Chul asked.
“Nah, but it’s none of our business,” Tauret finished up her meal. “Just wanted to warn you before you got your feelings hurt.”
Chul slouched a little, trying to disguise the disappointment breaking through her facial expression. “I appreciate it–”
A crashing sound resounded from the opposite side of the cafeteria. Prisoners rushed over, including Tauret and Nettie. Chul cautiously followed, indecipherable chants from a forming crowd filling her ears. She pushed through the sea along with Nettie and Tauret, until all three got a full view of the scene.
Scarlet scuffled with another inmate, a large white man strangling her. Chul contemplated jumping in, but before her or the other women could, Fox entered the ring. She grabbed the man by the shirt and dragged him off Scarlet.
“What the fuck did I tell you?” Fox spat, stepping in front of Scarlet’s cowering form. “Have a death wish, don’t you?”
The man charged her, which she easily side-stepped. She spun on her heel, delivering a swift kick that sent him crashing to the ground. Before he could recover, she landed on top of him, winding her fist back. Chul watched in shock as she punched him repeatedly, blood flying into her face.
“Leave. Her. Alone,” she growled, ignoring the man’s pathetic sobs. “Not going to fucking tell you again. Next time you’re dead.”
Before he could respond, two guards breached the circle. Chul watched in horror as they beat Fox with their batons before dragging her away. The other inmates slowly disbanded, going back to the tables, while Nettie and Tauret moved to Scarlet. Blood poured from her lips as she winced.
“Fuck…I think I’m okay,” she whispered, letting Tauret and Nettie help her to her feet. “Shit…I got Fox in trouble again.”
Walking her away towards the entrance, Nettie rubbed her shoulder. “Honestly, it was only a matter of time.”
That was when Chul learned of Fox’s frequent defenses that landed her in solitary confinement. According to Tauret, she attacked anyone who dared hurt the girls. “I swear, a piece of her dies every time they lock her up in there. Nettie told her to stop, to let us take the heat, but she won’t,” she told Chul as they exited the cafeteria. “She’s too nice.”
***
It took two days for Fox to return from solitary confinement. When she did, Chul noticed the difference immediately. The bags under her eyes seemed to be heavier, and she slunk around like a cat surrounded by predators. As soon as she sat on her bed, Chul tried to speak to her.
“Hey. Are…you okay?”
Fox didn’t look at her; instead, she closed her lips with an imaginary zipper. Chul tilted her head, interpreting this as her being unable to talk.
“That’s alright. I’ll leave you be.”
For the whole day, Fox only left her cell to complete her work tasks. Chul worried for her, even though the girls told her this was normal. That it usually took a full week for her to talk again. Chul wished she could do something other than bear witness.
That night, Fox’s nightly fit was impossible to ignore. She kept waking Chul up with pleads and cries.
“Please leave me alone. Please. Please. I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Can’t…can’t save you…too late. Know that it’s too late…”
Chul rolled over. In the dimmed lighting, she could see Fox squeezed into a corner of her bed, shaking. She stared at a small gap between Chul’s bedframe and the wall. Chul glanced there, finding nothing, before returning her gaze to Fox.
“Fox?” She tried.
Fox didn’t look away. “Can you see them?”
Chul glanced again, finding the spot empty besides webs of dust. “No. I don’t see anything.”
The laugh that left Fox’s throat startled Chul. “So it’s not real. It’s not…” she swallowed, staring up at Chul with maddened eyes. “It’s a ghost. That…that only I can see…”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Sleep next to me. Please. Don’t…don’t want to be alone.” She admitted.
“I can do that.” As Fox unraveled and lay down on her side, Chul climbed into the bed. Unthinking, she reached for Fox’s face. She stopped to ask, “May I touch you?”
Fox nodded. Chul’s fingers swept away her tears, cupped her face. Fox’s fingers grazed her wrist. “Thank you…sorry for the theatrics.”
“I don’t think it’s ‘theatrics’ if you’re genuinely distressed,” Chul said, letting her hands fall to her side. “Do you wanna talk about what you saw?”
“Will think I’m crazy.”
“No, I won’t. I promise.”
“I saw…” she choked up before shuddering through another sob. “My angel…corrupted by Evil. And it’s all my fucking fault.”
“Your angel?”
She nodded. “Can’t tell you about them right now but…maybe one day. If you’re willing to listen.”
“I don’t mind. I mean, you do so much for me and the others. It’s the least I can offer.”
“Thank you, Chul. Can you…” she stumbled over her words. “Do you mind holding me?”
“Not at all.”
Fox faced the wall, shoulders drooping as she sighed. Chul snuggled up, draping an arm over her waist. Sweat dotted Chul’s forehead, her whole body flushed. Though her feelings threatened to unravel, she resolved herself. Fox needed a companion, and Chul needed to keep her romantic admiration in check.
2008
Chul continued to thrive under Fox’s wing.
Though it was never formally acknowledged, Chul took a second-in-command position of sorts. By this point, her and Fox were incredibly close. Chul concealed how she felt about Fox, an easy task since she regularly confided in the others about it. She focused on aiding Fox’s mission wherever she could, such as making cosmetics out of crushed candies and helping everyone shave. She escorted Scarlet to her cell every night, ensuring she wouldn’t be attacked. Every act instilled Fox with more trust in her, and Chul loved seeing the girls smile.
She was more on board when the group planned a birthday surprise for Fox. Most years, Fox declined to celebrate. This time Nettie politely requested they do something since Fox was turning forty.
“C’mon. That’s a huge milestone!” Nettie said over breakfast. “Ain’t no way we’re gonna let you mope around all day like you normally do.”
“Fox, seriously, would it kill you to let us pamper you for once? You’re out here handing out makeovers every week, never asking for anything in return.” Tauret added.
Scarlet nodded in agreement. “The least we can do is doll you up a bit.”
Visibly irritated, Fox turned her eye onto Chul. “Let me guess. Think it’s a good idea too, don’t you?”
“I mean, you’re already outnumbered. I don’t think my vote counts,” Chul joked. “In all seriousness though, it might be a good idea.”
Drowning in adoration, Fox sighed. “Listen. Don’t mind if y’all wanna do something for my birthday. But it’s not gonna be my makeup. So come up with something else.”
Ultimately, Scarlet used what little funds she had on her commissary account to buy Fox a couple sweets. Nettie, Tauret and Chul chiseled a tiny fox out of a bar of soap. Finally, all four used paper scraps Scarlet stole from the art room to write little notes. While Scarlet, Nettie and Tauret wrote silly jokes, Chul opted to be more sentimental:
Thank you for taking such good care of us. You’re an angel.
At dinner, the gifts were offered to Fox. She stared at everything for a long while. Chul could feel her own nervousness along with the others–had they messed up? Were the items lackluster and unwanted?
The answer came in the form of joyous tears, prompted by Chul’s note. Everyone looked at Fox in shock–she never cried in front of anyone other than Chul. Clearly mortified at the emotional outburst, Fox fractically wiped every tear away.
“Sorry. Don’t mean to get all weepy.”
“Aw, it’s okay! We don’t mind.” Tauret told her.
“Just a little surprised, but not in a bad way.” Nettie clarified.
Scarlet patted Fox’s shoulder. “Happy Birthday, Fox!”
More congrats rippled through the table. And although Fox faked a smile of elation, Chul could see her internally cracking.
***
Chul wasn’t surprised when Fox asked for space. For a week, she slept alone, ate alone, and didn’t speak a word to anyone. Chul respected the distance, but it didn’t stop her from worrying. Especially when, one day after dinner, she caught Fox on her knees, whispering a prayer.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you pray before.” Chul noted once she finished.
Fox lowered her head and hands. “Used to do it every day ‘till I turned thirteen. Then a couple times in moments of desperation as an adult. But that was to a God I don’t believe in,” she explained, brushing off her knees as she stood. “Now when I pray, it’s to a person. Someone who is no longer with me, who I deeply, deeply miss. Think of her every day. Today marks 22 years since her passing.”
“What was her name?”
“Teneca. Met her the first time I went to this prison.”
Weaving stories of a mentor who bestowed knowledge of transgenderism and sisterhood, Fox’s eyes tugged, filling with tears. Chul listened attentively, recognizing the threads connecting Teneca’s and Fox’s journeys. Just like the woman she spoke of, Fox went on to protect and mentor.
“So, she inspired you?”
“Inspired me, would even say she freed me. Before I met her, I was lost. So lost. Helped me find my own way, realize what I wanted for my life. Wish more than anything she could’ve met a different fate…worry all the time that her soul is unresting, trapped. But there’s nothing I can do…so I pray. Let her know that she means so much to me, and her impact is everlasting,” she moved to her bed, sluggish and depleted. “Not gonna lie. When you all celebrated my birthday, I couldn’t help but think of her. My eighteenth was the last time I saw her truly happy.”
“Can I hold your hand?” When Fox nodded, she accepted it, running a thumb across her calloused palms. Chul continued, “I’m sure she really appreciates your prayers.”
“It’s hard to believe I’m facing the same fate as her, in the same goddamn place. Like the universe is playing some sick joke on me.”
Chul’s eyes widened as she connected the dots. “What?”
“On death row, I am,” Fox said. “But at least…maybe I can finally be with my angel again. Miss them so, so much.”
“Do the others know this?” Chul questioned.
“No. Don’t have the heart to tell them.” Fox said, eyes dulling. “Can barely process it myself.”
Not knowing what to say, Chul redirected. “Do you want to talk about your angel?”
Fox’s expression hardened. “Maybe, but you cannot tell anyone about them. Not even the others,” She said. “Do you understand?”
“I understand.”
She sighed. “Before I got locked up here, I…Had a partner and a kid. Aiden and Bug. Both meant the world to me, Chul. But it got all fucked up ‘cause of me. ‘Cause I didn’t bury my past as good as I thought. The angel I see? It’s Bug, but…wrong. Covered in blood, and–” she sobbed into her hands. “Fuck. Why couldn’t I do right by them? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why did…why did I teach them those things?”
“What things?”
“How to fight. How to hurt people. And…it led to the unspeakable. Now they’re probably dead, just like their father. Because I couldn’t just give them a normal childhood, no. Had to taint them with my goddamn Evil.”
“What makes you think they’re dead?”
“Ain’t no way they survived my sins. Ain’t no way the woman who invaded my home didn’t have some kind of sick plan for them, even if they got away at first. Want to believe they got away for good, but…life has never been kind to the ones I love. And it all trails back to me! This Evil, rotten vessel I occupy. A demon, I am. A good for nothing sinner. And it cost me my family.”
“You know, I’m not really an optimist, and I may not know much about your family,” Chul said carefully. “But maybe they did escape for good. Maybe they’re out there, waiting for you.”
“Want to believe that, I do. But it still wouldn’t matter. Will be gone in 2015, facing the same Hell that Teneca did. There ain’t no way I’m seeing them before then, even if they made it. Have to settle for their ghosts, and the good memories I still have.”
She shut down after that, resigning to silence. Chul gave her space, until she quietly requested to sleep next to her. Entangling their arms, Chul held her until both fell asleep.
2013
Fox’s death sentence inched ever closer. She still withheld it from the other girls, saying she wasn’t ready. That she didn’t know if she could ever be. This left Chul bearing the burden of knowledge, now understanding why Fox always frowned when the trio talked of a future with her as their beloved leader.
Her love for Fox gargantuan, Chul started to spiral. Not only because she would desperately miss Fox, but because Fox wanted her to take over.
“If you can, please take my place,” Fox requested one night. “Help the girls out, keep ‘em close. Protect them if you can. Don’t want my loss to break everyone apart, for all my work to be undone in my absence.”
“I can’t do that–”
“Listen. Love them with all my heart, but this place isn’t safe. There’s strength in numbers. If everyone stays together, it’ll be safer. Can’t protect you all once I’m dead. At least try your best. Beg of you, Chul.”
Though Chul’s throat dried, she nodded. “I’ll do my best.”
She refused to believe this would be Fox’s end; a hunch that proved correct.
One day, after getting a visit from her father, Fox rushed back to the cell. Her nervous jitters weren’t lost to Chul. She squeezed herself into the space between her bed and the wall, trying to obscure herself as much as possible. This startled Chul; normally, when Fox’s old man visited, she always returned gloomy. Chul watched from her side as she unveiled an envelope from her shirt.
“What’s that?” Chul asked.
Fox didn’t answer, tearing the envelope open. Her eyes scanned words on a thick piece of cardstock. As soon as she finished reading, she motioned for Chul to come over. Joining her side, she could see the tears pouring down Fox’s face.
“Keep your voice down. It’s from my partner,” she whispered to her. “But it’s strange. Some letters of words are colored in dark blue, barely noticeable. It might be a code. Can you help me figure it out?”
“Definitely.”
Sharing the paper, the women scanned each word. Fox couldn’t decipher anything tangible, but it appeared clearly to Chul after a few minutes.
“A couple letters are in cursive–‘N’ & ‘C’–and the dark blue letters spell ‘beehive.’”
“Beehive? Wonder if that’s the street name.”
“Your old man didn’t mail this, did he?”
“No, he smuggled it in,” She lowered her voice further. “Memory’s shot to all shit. Can you memorize that street name and town for me? So I can destroy this before the guards find it?”
“Definitely.”
“Can’t believe Aiden’s okay. And if I’m reading it right…Bug’s with him. Which means I have to get the fuck out of here. But…” she shook her head. “There’s no way. Security’s too tight. Last person who tried ended up dead.”
“There has to be some way. Maybe we just have to wait for the right opportunity to arise. I mean, ain’t me, you and the girls on the rotation for off-site work soon?”
“Maybe. But it’d be a one-in-a-million chance if there was a good opportunity to escape from that.”
“Hey,” Chul nudged her. “That’s still a chance.”
Fox cracked a smile. She looked longingly at the letter, tears falling onto the ink before she ripped it to shreds.
“Maybe I’ll see you both soon,” she murmured.
2015
It took two years for Fox to tell the others about her family, and the letter she received from her partner.
But when she did, along with revealing her death row sentence, everyone was more than on board to help facilitate an escape.
By this point, the group were transported daily to a sawmill near NOLA. Each time, before leaving the prison, the group plotted ways to flee the bus if the opportunity presented itself. Everyone equipped themselves with paperclips to get out of their handcuffs. Tauret installed secret pockets in all five’s uniforms, allowing the tools to bypass the usual security check before boarding. Yet day after day, no chance came.
Chul did everything to keep Fox hopeful, but it didn’t work. In a little under a year, Fox’s time would be up. The pressure building, Fox grew less and less optimistic. She told Chul she accepted Death’s hand, and that she was ready. In fact, she looked forward to her final repentance: “Maybe, in death, I’ll be forgiven for my sins.”
The words make Chul’s stomach churn. Though she never worshipped a higher being, she found herself praying and begging for Fox to be spared somehow.
On a foggy Monday morning, the women filed into the bus. The work day shredded Chul’s energy to bits, as it always did for her and the others. When everyone regrouped for the trip back, Tauret lowered her voice at sight of the bus.
“Look at the back tires,” she said.
Fox and Chul’s eyes followed the vehicle as it crawled along the parking lot. The back wheels struggled, and Chul raised her eyebrows. She looked at Fox with excitement. “If both of those give out, they’ll need to call maintenance.”
With a grimace, Fox crossed her arms. “Ain’t holding my breath.”
Ten minutes later, Chul gazed out the window. As the bus barrelled past other vehicles and trees, her thoughts ran amok. Come on, come on. Fucking break down, you stupid piece of shit. If she could reach her hands, she’d certainly be nibbling away at her nails. She kept checking in on Fox, stationed across from her, head drooped and eyes closed. Chul frowned.
The driver suddenly slammed on the brakes, followed by a loud POP.
“What the fuck was that?” The accompanying guard said from the front.
Chul craned her neck to see through the grates, only to get thrown by the vehicle suddenly veering off the road. It came to a stop. One by one, each woman’s eyes darted to Fox. The elder lifted her head, her own filled with shock as she looked back.
A smirk slowly broke out on her lips.
“What’s goin’ on up there?” Nettie yelled.
The guard and driver ignored her, but the group could hear just enough to fit the pieces together. The two had called for maintenance, with an ETA of a little over an hour. Of course, they spoke nothing of this to the prisoners—but it didn’t matter. Tauret, Nettie, Scarlet and Chul were already scheming.
“Fox,” Chul whispered, catching her attention. “Does the guard have anything other than his pistol?”
She shook her head. “Not that I saw. But we still need to be careful.”
“What’s the plan?” Nettie asked.
Fox smiled. “Guess we better start a ruckus, lure him back here. Once he’s down and we have his gun, should be easy sailing.”
“Since we’re in the back, me and Scarlet’ll scuffle. That way he ain’t looking at you and Chul,” Nettie said. “When he’s distracted, y’all pick the cuffs and get his ass.”
Chul and Fox nodded in agreement. As soon as everyone acknowledged the plan, Scarlet raised her voice, “Fuck you!”
“Who the fuck you talking to, bitch?” Nettie shot back, trying to withhold laughter. “I’ll fuck you up!”
Scarlet stood, draping her arms over Nettie’s shoulders. She convincingly fake-choked her with the cuffs. “You wanna play games, huh?!”
Alerted by Nettie’s obnoxiously loud gurgles and chokes, the guard came right in, leaving the entryway open and unsupervised. “Hey!” he said, raising his pistol and moving towards the two. “Let him go, now!”
Chul made quick work of retrieving a paperclip, trying not to audibly curse when the cuffs wouldn’t cave. Luckily, Fox freed herself quicker. She stood from her seat, narrowly stopping the guard from pulling the trigger with a tackle. The gun fired, bullet flying through the glass and narrowly missing Nettie and Scarlet. The weapon landed a couple feet ahead of Tauret’s feet. The trio worked off their own handcuffs as Fox wrapped hers around the man’s hands. She retrieved his keys, stashing them in her pocket.
Tauret acquired the firearm, aiming it at the driver, who now stood in the entryway with a radio. Before he could speak, another round went off. Chul ducked instinctively. When she looked up, the radio clattered from his fingers, blood pouring from a gape in his hand. Nettie jumped over Fox to wrestle him to the ground.
Fox manhandled the guard into an empty seat, keeping him in place as she looked at her friends. “Cuff the other one.”
Chul obeyed, stomping the radio with her foot before rolling the driver onto his back. She restrained his hands with a pair of cuffs tossed to her by Tauret. With the help of Scarlet, she dragged him and placed him next to the guard. Fox requested another set of handcuffs, using it to lock the two together.
“Hand me the gun.” She said, looking at Tauret with desperation. Tauret did as she was told. As soon as Fox had the weapon, she shot both men in the ankles. They howled in pain, blood pooling on the bus floor. She checked the ammunition before waving a hand towards the front. “Let’s move.”
Tauret, Nettie, and Scarlet led the charge, running off the bus and darting for the treeline. Chul was right on their heels until she spotted a cell phone in the driver’s seat. Unthinking, she grabbed it. Fox slipped going down the stairs after her. Chul trailed back, hauling her to her feet. Hand around her waist for support, the two fled into the trees.
The group bolted until the sounds of the interstate faded. Once out of sight, everyone collapsed on the forest floor. Panting as she tried to catch her breath, Tauret spoke, “What now?”
Fox sat up, wiping sweat off her brow. She looked at the gun in her hand. “Don’t know…didn’t think we’d get this far.”
Chul fumbled with the cell phone, its layout quite confusing and complex. It thankfully didn’t have a passcode. Nettie stared at her as she familiarized herself with the device. “What are you doing?”
“I’m gonna try to look up directions before I shut this thing off,” she mumbled. “We should probably all figure out where we’re all going, if we’re staying together or not.”
“Normally I’d say there’s strength in numbers, but I think it’d be foolish for everyone to stay together,” Fox said. “Besides, got a family I need to find.”
Tauret nudged Nettie. “You still up for going to the swamp?”
Nettie chuckled. “I thought you were kidding about that Florida shit.”
“Nope.” Tauret said. “Chul and Scarlet can come too, if they want.”
“I’m good,” Scarlet got up, leaned against a tree. “Like Fox, I got family waiting for me in Kentucky.”
Nettie looked at Chul. “What about you?”
Chul rubbed her lips together. She thought about Fox falling out of the bus, how she had to practically drag her into the forest. Fox was strong, but there was no way in Hell she’d make it to North Carolina in one piece. Not alone, at least.
“I’m going with Fox. Then…maybe I’ll meet y’all in Florida. If you’re cool with that.”
Fox’s eyes widened. “Chul–”
“I wanna see this through,” she said, standing up and stepping towards Fox. She offered her hand, helping her to her feet. “I’ll at least get you to the NC border. I ain’t leaving you all alone. Not after everything you’ve done for me.”
Gaze softening, Fox squeezed her fingers. “Only if you’re sure.”
“I am. I’m positive.”
“We’ll be in Gainesville, so long as we can avoid the feds,” Tauret informed Chul. “You gonna be able to remember that?”
Chul nodded. “Yeah. I’ve got the best memory here, remember?”
Everyone laughed. Fox cleared her throat, her expression turning serious, “Should wait until nightfall to depart. For now, let’s get further into the forest. Sure a search party will be lookin’ for us any minute now.”
Traversing the endless greenery for hours, the group settled by a tiny riverbank for the night. Finalizing travel plans, Chul gave everyone a general idea where to head using directions she found online. She used an incognito browser tab for every search, though she wasn’t sure how much of a difference it would make. Once she memorized how to reach NC, she shut off the phone, throwing it against a tree and shattering it.
In the moments after, the group all observed Fox. She met everyone’s gazes with confusion. “Yes?”
All four women pinned her with an embrace. She stumbled backward a bit, smiling into Tauret’s hair as arms wrapped around her.
“We’re gonna miss you, Fox,” Tauret mumbled. “Thank you.”
The thanks rippled through the remainder of the women, leaving tears in Fox’s eyes. “And thank all of you. Y’all better stay safe out there.”
Scarlet left first. Then Nettie and Tauret, each granting Fox and Chul cheek kisses before disappearing. This left Chul and Fox standing by each other in a heavy silence.
“Well…see no reason to dilly-dally,” Fox said, adjusting the collar of her shirt. “Lead the way.”
***
After stealing box dye and a wig from a hair store, Chul returned to her and Fox’s hideout—a tent in the forest. They’d discovered it abandoned early in the journey, and planned to bring it with them across the Bible belt. It barely shielded the women from the cold, but it kept them hidden.
Fox’s hip pain worsened under the weather conditions. She couldn’t travel for very long, doubling the time it would have originally taken to get to North Carolina. Chul encouraged her to rest, as Fox killing her own body would do no good.
No matter how many winter coats Chul acquired from donation bins or trash cans in nearby towns, Fox couldn’t retain heat. She’d shiver uncontrollably every night. Chul would hold her like she had back in prison, giving what little warmth she could provide. Squeezing her hands. There were a couple times Fox went completely still, and Chul feared she passed. On one such instance, Chul told her about it as soon as she woke up.
“Survived this long. Ain’t no way I’m dying before seeing Aiden and Bug again,” she insisted. “Even if I die right after speakin’ to them, will pass on knowing I got to see both one last time.”
This relaxed Chul just enough.
A relatively peaceful two days of travel followed, accompanied by a temporary raising of temperature. Fox and Chul crossed the Mississippi border, got halfway through Alabama. The two wound up hitchhiking for a short portion, wanting to grant Fox’s hip a little reprieve. Though Chul was skeptical their shoddy disguises would do much good, nothing happened. One man dropped them off in Clanton, Alabama, where the pair hid amongst the trees once more.
That night, gazing up at the stars, Fox talked more about her family. She’d opened up significantly about the subject, painting tales that Chul could easily envision. Picturing an enlivened child running around in a fruitful garden brought a smile to Chul’s face.
“One time, they walked in on me doing their father’s T shot. Got so upset, thought I was hurting him. Was really hard to explain that it was medicine. Wouldn’t stop crying until Aiden hugged them, promised that he was okay.”
“When was that?”
“Lord. At least a decade ago, now.”
“A decade? How old is Bug?”
She glanced up at the sky, lips curling into a frown. “It’s 2015, so…they’re twenty,” she laughed. “Holy shit. Can’t imagine what they look like now. Last time I saw them, they were a lil’ tyke.”
“Do you think they take after you or Aiden more?”
“Aiden. Definitely. Always resembled him in many ways, but especially physically.”
“What if when you get there, they look like you instead?” Chul joked.
“Probably would shit myself.”
Sharing a laugh, Chul glanced at her. “Dang, I just realized how old you are. Like, I knew but….it didn’t really click until you told me how old your kid is.”
She expected Fox to playfully scold her, or tell her not to make that type of comment. But instead, Fox beamed at the heavens. Her grin accompanied by gentle wrinkles twinkled in the moonlight.
“Certainly getting up there. But it’s nice. Growing old ain’t as bad as people act,” she closed her eyes. “Grateful, I am. Think about Teneca all the time, how much it meant to see an older trans person. To know that we can live. Bet she would still be here today if it wasn’t for this fucked-up country. Point is…glad I’m old. Glad I’m gettin’ wrinkly. It’s a testament to my survival.”
The poignant response left Chul speechless. She thought of her own life, how it didn’t feel like she aged at all in the prison. Mentally, she never left nineteen, stuck in the quicksands of the past. A part of her didn’t want to acknowledge the hands of time, the fact her youth was over. “I was always scared of getting old,” she told Fox. “Still am. But you’re right, and I think I’ll try to think more like you.”
Weather reverting to its chilly state, the two headed in for the night. Before Fox rolled over to sleep, she planted a kiss on Chul’s forehead. Chul’s cheeks reddened, and, without thinking, she pressed her lips against Fox’s. She sank deeper into it, but Fox moved her away, hands on her face.
“Sweetheart,” she whispered. “Don’t want you romantically. And even if I did, I’m your mentor. And mentors shouldn’t sleep or mess with their students. Besides, still very much in love with Aiden.”
Embarrassed, Chul moved away, putting as much space between them as possible. “I understand. I’m sorry.”
“Forgive you. Just don’t do it again.” A silence lapsed, and Fox spoke again. “Can still hold each other platonically, you know.”
Chul settled in Fox’s arms, relishing her warmth.
***
Miraculously, Chul and Fox reached the North Carolina border. Knowing this meant the two were about to go their separate ways, Chul let preliminary grief absorb her. She processed it internally as more and more hope returned to Fox’s eyes. At part of her envied Fox–she’d be going home to her family, leaving Chul behind for good.
But Chul had to remind herself of two things. Firstly, Fox loved her. Maybe not in the way she desired, but it was love nonetheless. And this love was to be coveted and cherished, not disregarded on the precipice of jealousy. She knew Fox would never forget her. Second, Chul had her own home to find in Nettie and Tauret, who awaited her in Florida. The three would run and run until they couldn’t anymore, or discovered a place to hunker down. Regardless of how it unfolded, Chul greatly looked forward to it.
At a bus stop, empty in the dead of the night, the two shared a bench. Chul double-checked the signage, clarifying they were in the right place. As soon as she did, her chest tightened. This is it. I’m saying goodbye.
She allowed herself to cry, an action so foreign it startled her. Without being prompted, Fox hugged her. Cradling her head against her chest, she frowned.
“Have no idea how much this meant to me. Could’ve left me on my own, went with Nettie and Tauret. But you stayed. Couldn’t have done this without your help.”
Sniffling, Chul lifted her chin to look at Fox. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay for the rest of the way?”
“As long as I remember your directions, should be. How about you? Worried about you getting lost.”
“Eh, I’ll be alright. I’ll find my way to Gainesville eventually.”
Quickly running out of reasons to linger, both stood up at the same time. When Fox faced her, Chul burst into tears again. The older woman mirrored her before wiping her face. She crushed her into another embrace.
“Tell Nettie and Tauret I love them so much,” Fox said into her ear before moving away. “And take care of yourself, Chul.”
“You too, Fox. Get to your folks in one piece for me.”
With one last glance, Fox vanished into the night.
It took ten minutes for Chul to collect herself to wander into town. In front of a quaint apartment complex, she pulled the handles to every vehicle occupying the parking lot. She hit a jackpot on a fancy sports car, its door swinging open. Climbing in, she checked every surface and compartment for a spare key. When she fished one out of the center console, she couldn’t help but smile.
As she sped through the backroads leading back to South Carolina, she rolled the windows down. The wind caressed her hair and face, and for the first time in a while, she felt truly free. She imagined the Florida coast greeting her along with Nettie and Tauret’s arms. Then, she pictured Fox reunited with her family, the emptiness in her eyes replaced with relief.
No matter what life had in store, she would never forget Fox’s imprint on her. She taught her patience, empathy, and how to watch her back.
And most important of all, she taught Chul the beauty of sisterhood. That family extended well beyond blood, showing up where you would least anticipate.
✦ . ⁺ . ✦ . ⁺ . ✦
One more step, Fox told herself.
It’d been “one more step” for hours. By this point, Fox’s feet burned, as if blisters took up every inch of her soles. Yet she kept limping on.
Through lightless, endless forests where she felt serene.
Through tiny towns, where she navigated alleyways to avoid being seen.
Through the blanket of snow coating the hills.
By the time she reached her destination, her shoes were two scrapes away from falling apart. Since the Chul’s directions faded more and more as brain fog dominated, Fox went with her gut. She highly doubted her family would be in a suburb, so she searched through older neighborhoods. Ones where moss crept through the bricks lining the outside of homes.
It took two days, but she found Beehive Street–its sign accompanying a dirt path that vanished into a line of shrubbery and big oaks. She crawled her way down it. When the snow froze up her fingers, she lowered further to her elbows. Crossing a threshold onto pavement, Fox came to an agonizing stand.
One well-kept house stood a yard away, a driveway ending at the porch. Although a white sheet covered the only vehicle, she swore she recognized it. A rush of adrenaline coursed through her. She tried to use it to run for the door, but her body completely gave out. Her limbs folded and she collapsed facedown.
Rolling over with a grunt, she shivered and tore off her ratty wig. The snowflakes hitting her lashes made her smile despite it all. Seeing her brother’s car confirmed she was likely at the right place.
“Made it,” she said, a tear rolling down her face. Even if it’s too late. Even if no one finds me.
Right as she faded into unconsciousness picturing Bug and Aiden’s smiles, boots crunched in the snow nearby.
⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆
Aiden’s letter
It’s been a very, very long time since you’ve heard from me. But I promise I never forgot about you. Through everything life has thrown at me, I have been thinking of you. I’ve been thinking of home. How I had it, lost it, and believed it was gone for good.
But I’ve found home again. My relationship with it isn’t perfect. I’ve got a lot to make up for since I fucked up so bad. But now I’m rebuilding, slowly but surely, and thankfully my home is patient. Just as patient as you are, and as tall as you are. This home has been through so much. It’s falling apart more and more every day, but it’s alive and breathing. And one day, I believe things will be better for it, that it will flourish and bloom.
All we need now is you.
We’ll be eagerly waiting for your response. Can’t wait to hear from you.
With love, A.
⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆