Blurb
Noah Liang finds unexpected company in a classmate after a traumatizing spring break.
Content Warnings
Grooming & coercion (graphically discussed), rape (discussed and frequently referenced, not explicitly shown) and rape aftermath, teenage pregnancy scare, maladaptive daydreaming, suicide attempt, threats of self harm, emotional blackmail with threatened suicide, death in the family (mentioned)
*If I missed any content warnings, please contact me at authormicahflowers@yahoo.comand I will update them as soon as possible.
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2009
Swaying back and forth in an aisle, Noah eyed his surroundings. The convenience store was dead as usual aside from the lone cashier in the front. Far enough from the bored teenager’s sight, Noah grabbed two items and stuffed them into his messenger bag.
Later, he stared blankly at a hot pink shower curtain as he sat on the toilet, keeping time in his head. Noah felt hollow, like someone scraped all his insides out with a shovel. Yet he feared the opposite was his reality, an unexpected intruder hiding within, joining his organs. He resisted his urge to look at the sink counter, even when tears fell down his face.
He counted in his head. Fifty-five. Fifty-six. Fifty-seven. Fifty-eight. Fifty-nine. Sixty.
He snatched two pregnancy tests, checking the results. The sobs of desperation turned to relief. Tossing them in a plastic bag, he wiped his tears before tying it. Thank fuck I don’t have to tell mom, he thought.
It took another moment to collect himself before he left the apartment, heading down to take out the trash. He’d combined the plastic bag with the kitchen one since it was pretty much full. Taking the elevator downstairs, he felt his shoulders relax just a little.
As he wiped off his hands on the walk back inside, happy to be rid of the evidence, his mother Selali’s car rolled into the parking lot. Noah tried to hurry his pace, but it didn’t work. She opened the door, eyeing him.
“You taking out the trash?”
Noah shrugged, feigning innocence. “Yeah. I’m…cleaning up.”
She got out, meeting him halfway. “Where is my son? He never takes out the trash.” She said lightheartedly.
Noah didn’t reply. A minute later, she walked with him hip-to-hip to the elevator. Her arm around his shoulder felt strange. She was rarely home this early, and if she was, she would go out with her friends right after. Leaving Noah all alone in another daydream world with a princess and her doting knight. Fine by him. He broke away as soon as they got in the elevator.
“I got off early, so I’m gonna–” She told him.
“Go hang out with the girls.” He finished for her, mustering up half-assed enthusiasm. “Right, whatever. Rock on.”
She nudged him. “Don’t worry. I’ll make you dinner before I go.”
That’s not what I want, he thought, furrowing his eyebrows.
Normally Noah would just go to his room and isolate. But now more than ever he wanted her to stay. When he was really little, they’d constantly rewatch the cartoons and movies he liked. Over and over they’d join the same characters on the same journeys, say lines in sync, giggle. He missed it. After she started working at the hospital, they rarely spent time together. She had bills to pay, and nobody to help.
“Can we hang out?” He asked her directly as they entered the apartment.
Selali went for a glass of water. “It’s a school night, and I won’t be back till late. Maybe this weekend?”
“That’s what you always say…” He muttered to himself.
He ignored her response–What?–and trudged to his room, slamming the door.
There, he vanished into his sketchbook where the princess and her loyal knight basked in love. He doodled a couple goofy panels before focusing on line-art for the couple’s wedding attire. Sitting hunched over at his desk like a shrimp eventually hurt his neck, so he decided to draw in bed. Untying his ponytail to lay on his back, a few hairs brushed against his neck. He tried to ignore it, but it started to scratch. To burn. It didn’t make sense until a memory played in his head–a large hand swept his curls out of his face.
Look at me, a voice said in the back of his head. I wanna see those beautiful eyes.
Minutes later, facing the bathroom mirror, Noah held a flat iron caked in dust. He didn’t bother cleaning it off before plugging it in. While it heated up, he parted his hair, redirecting a decent amount to sit over his eyes. The ends stopped right above his eyebrows. He imagined straightened dark brown hair obscuring his vision instead. No one would ever see his eyes again.
Away he went with flat ironing, ignoring the strong chemical smell that resulted the further he got along. When Selali came in to grab her perfume, she gasped at the sight of him.
“Woah woah woah,” she took the flat iron from him. “First off, this is way too hot. And you gotta do this a certain way, or you’ll burn it all off.”
“I just want it straight.” He grumbled.
Her eyes widened. “You ain’t getting teased at school or something, are you? Your curls are beautiful.”
“I don’t want anyone to see my eyes.”
A look of confusion crossed her face. It shifted to worry. “You’ve been acting weird. Are you okay?”
“Why the fuck do you care?”
“Don’t swear at me,” she demanded. “And I care because you’re not yourself.”
“You aren’t around enough to know who I am. Now go hang with your friends and leave me alone.”
Head hanging and eyebrows furrowed, she exited the bathroom. Noah rushed straightening the other half of his hair before going back to his room. Taking a deep breath, he booted up his desktop computer. He wanted to message a couple online buddies. His heart fell to his stomach when he realized none of those acquaintances messaged him–but one person did. The last person he wanted to talk to. He hovered the cursor over the message preview.
[User 2] I love you so much. Why are you hiding from me? You know that…
Against his better judgment, Noah opened the message. His stomach churned and bile crawled up his throat. [User 2] wrote a five paragraph essay about how much he missed Noah, and how cruel it was that Noah ignored his correspondence. Emboldened after detecting the manipulative intent, Noah jumped straight to the point.
[User 1] you lied to me and you raped me. i never want to see you again.
[User 2] Those are such strong words! I would never hurt or lie to you, Noah. You’re my soulmate.
The comments put Noah on edge. He wanted this to end; he’d put it off for two weeks.
[User 1] i’m breaking up with you.
[User 2] No, you’re not.
Fingers frantically tapped out words on a keyboard. Yes, I am, Noah said in the chat room. The back and forth lasted for another ten minutes, the grown man trying to convince him how much he loved Noah. Realizing Noah wouldn’t budge, he threatened to harm himself. Typically, the suicide and self-harm threats would send Noah into a spiral. He’d imagine [User 2]–real name Stephen–in his bathtub, blade at the ready by his wrists. This always sent Noah back into the chat room, promising he would stay. He would ask how he could atone. More of him died each time.
It took Noah a month to process a ‘sleepover’ in Stephen’s hotel room. To understand why, ever since, a film of filth covered his being. He struggled to sleep. He hated being in the shower. His room turned into a nightmare, an endless sea of trash, clothes and moldy dishes. The trauma destroyed his trust and faith in others, since he’d been convinced Stephen was a boy his age before the meetup. That’d been the only reason he agreed to go out with him. He berated himself for listening to Stephen’s instructions to make up a story about staying with friends at a con for Selali. Hurt and guilt and grief drowned Noah, flooding his lungs the longer he interacted with Stephen.
No more.
[User 1]: fuck off and die, you piece of shit
Noah hit send and closed out the tab.
***
Eighth grade slogged on. Noah’s ex-girlfriends Libby and Mariyah hung out with him every once in a while, but their romance kept them wrapped up in each other. Fine by him; he was glad to see the two happy. When the three occasionally met up, both girls repeatedly apologized for stringing him along, to which he insisted it didn’t matter anymore. Like everything else, he shoved any pain regarding the incident into a chest, locked it, and ignored it.
But he couldn’t deny his loneliness, nor its effect on his psyche. Which is why he’d sought friendships online, hoping for consistent company. Stephen swooped in, preying on Noah’s fear of being alone, and devoured him whole. And now, the wolf’s fangs released from his neck, Noah didn’t know what to do with himself. Is this my fault? He’d think to himself often. Am I just broken now?
He considered telling Mariyah and Libby about what transpired, but worried they wouldn’t care. Their relationship was more important than he was.
Distracting with his hobbies only worked for so long. Noah itched to meet someone new, to connect like he had with Mariyah and Libby. Romantic misadventures aside, he loved his friend dynamics with them. He longed for other people to pop up and pique his interest; ones that would stay in his life for good. Ones that wouldn’t hurt him, and whomnaturally desired his company.
Little did he know he’d find that in Civics, of all places.
It was his least favorite class, and it wasn’t even close. The teacher’s voice grated his ears, bullies sneered at him, and it always smelled like rotten fish from the kids fresh out of Gym. He’d been doodling one day in his sketchbook when an authoritative voice caught his attention.
“Noah. I asked you a question.”
He closed his sketchbook, leveling eyes with his teacher. “Yes?”
“Everyone’s picking partners for the timeline project. It’s your turn.”
With a sigh, he closed his sketchbook and scanned the room. A lot of ‘no thanks’ and ‘absolutely nots’ occupied the seats. But one kid, in the row closest to the wall, drew his gaze. Long curls cascaded down his back, one braid down the middle. He knew the person’s name, but couldn’t recall it—only that he had the kindest eyes he’d ever seen.
So Noah pointed at him. The kid turned, his pupils alight with surprise. Several snickers and giggles rippled throughout the room.
“Good luck. I heard he has trouble keeping his hands to himself.” One girl chided.
“Quiet, that is unacceptable,” the teacher shot back. “Noah, switch seats with Juliet so you can sit with Elijah.”
Doing what he was told, Noah wound up next to Elijah. He didn’t look at Noah at all, continuing to read a book that sat in his lap. Noah smiled at this, and opened up his sketchbook.
Once everyone partnered up, the teacher gave each pair fifteen minutes to brainstorm about the project. Neither Noah or Elijah stopped their tasks—but Elijah spoke one mousy question. “Why did you choose me?”
Noah met his gaze. “What?”
“You could’ve chosen anyone else.” Elijah said, eyes darting away and off to the wall. “So why me?”
“I don’t know.” Noah answered honestly. “You look nice.”
“I…look nice?”
“Yeah. You always do.”
He didn’t reply, and Noah’s insides burned. Did I fuck up? he thought. Elijah put his book aside, sweeping a curl out of his face.
“You don’t care that…I’m gross or whatever?” Elijah asked next. Genuinely unaware of what he meant, Noah tilted his head. The other teen shook his. “Nevermind. Let’s talk about the project.”
Elijah planned the whole thing in a matter of minutes. More than impressed, Noah agreed without much thought. The two would do a timeline on the industrial revolution.
“I don’t really like working on projects in class,” Elijah admitted. “Could we maybe work on it at your place?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.” As soon as Noah said it, he cursed internally. Now I really have to clean my room.
***
Every day, Noah and Elijah met up to chip away at the project. By Wednesday, it was finished, but Elijah insisted on continuing through Friday for ‘final touches.’ Noah didn’t buy it; he could see Elijah’s desperation to get closer to him. Noah had no idea why. What exactly did Noah himself have to offer?
Garnishing finished on the poster, Elijah surprised him with a question: “Can we keep hanging out after this?”
“You don’t wanna hang out with me.” Noah quickly told him. “I’m weird.”
“No you’re not. You’re really cool. You have a nice style….and…” he drifted off.
“And what?”
Elijah flushed. “A nice smile.”
Noah’s face reddened at that. “Sure…you can stay for a bit.”
The two sat in a comfortable silence for a while. Elijah rolled up the presentation poster, cast it aside, and shuffled through his bag. Noah’s mind drifted to his original plan for the evening—to paint once Elijah left. He gathered acrylics, his easel, and numerous brushes. Elijah eyed him curiously as he lay a towel on the carpet, left and returned with cups of water.
“Can I paint too?” Elijah asked.
“Yeah. You want a big or small easel?”
“Same as yours.”
Fishing one from beneath his bed, Noah passed it to Elijah. Fanning all the supplies out on the towel, he began. From his side, Elijah looked blankly at his canvas.
“How do I start?”
Noah dabbled his brush into a lavender color, gazing up at Elijah. “What do you mean?”
Elijah tapped the easel with a sigh. “Well…I don’t have any ideas.”
“Hmm…” he painted while formulating a response. “Paint how you feel.”
“How I feel?”
“Yeah. Pick some colors that relate to how you feel. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you.” He tossed Elijah a smile. “That’s what I always do when I’m out of ideas.”
For the next thirty minutes, the two were hard at work. By the time Noah added in highlights, Elijah let out a hum of satisfaction.
“You ready to show?” Noah asked.
“We’re showing?”
“Yeah, that’s what makes it fun. You go first.”
Elijah flipped the canvas to him. A minuscule, hunched black figure in the corner clasped his head as reds, browns, and greens exploded from his skull. Noah’s eyes widened, then softened.
A glimmer of hurt crossed Elijah’s face. “Is it bad?”
“No…it’s just….” Noah frowned. He wanted to say he could feel the pain, but didn’t want to upset him. “Intense.”
“Yeah….I guess that’s a good way to put it. Your turn,” when Noah showed his art, Elijah burst out laughing. He cleared his throat as Noah’s lips curled downward. “It’s really good! Yours is so bright compared to mine, which is why I laughed. Not because it’s bad.”
“Oh…” Noah glanced at his work, relaxing. “This is Hywela. She’s a shapeshifter princess.”
He never talked about his original characters, not even to his mom. She meant well, but she was rarely present long enough to commentate on his interests. Despite this, once Noah started talking, he couldn’t stop. He told Elijah about her origin story—narrowly escaping an attempt on her life by her royal family—along with her girlfriend, Meri.
“…And one day, the two are gonna adopt a kid,” he took a deep breath, and embarrassment rushed in. “Okay, I’m gonna shut up now.”
“You don’t have to. I like hearing about Hywela and Meri. Tell me more.”
Noah did so, winding up with his sketchbook to show Elijah more drawings. The longer he spoke, the closer Elijah got to him. He ended up on Noah’s shoulder, eyes downcast on a scribbly comic page.
“Here, Meri confesses to Hywela before she goes off to battle.”
“Do they kiss?”
“Oh yeah. Especially ‘cause Meri doesn’t know if she’ll survive.”
“You should write your own book,” when Noah laughed, Elijah scoffed. “I’m being serious. This sounds awesome.”
“I’m not much of a writer. I like art more. Maybe I’ll do a comic one day,” he closed the sketchbook and smiled. “Honestly though, I just wanna build fursuits.”
“Fursuits?”
“Giant anthropomorphic animal costumes. I’ve made a couple paws, but that’s it. I’ll try more one of these days.”
“Can I see the paws?”
“Sure…”
He unearthed an old set from a container in his closet. He hadn’t tried any since this attempt before spring break. There was no motivation, no desire to get back into it. He handed it to Elijah, the other boy running his thumbs across the fabric. The captivation in Elijah’s eyes was undeniable, and Noah’s cheeks burned. This fever worsened when their fingers touched. Elijah shyly tore his gaze away.
“Thank you for showing me these. It’s really cool, and you’re good at it. I can’t wait to see you make full costumes.”
“Ha, yeah…maybe one day.”
“I’m gonna head home. Unless you wanna run through the presentation one more time?”
Noah didn’t think another practice run was necessary. But the eagerness in Elijah’s eyes begged him to say yes. So he picked up one side of the poster while Elijah got the other, cleared his throat. He recited his half, covering the industrial revolution’s impact on the economy. Elijah’s stare and accompanying smile didn’t wane the entire time he talked. He stumbled the final two sentences as a result.
Deciding to play it off with a joke, he said, “And I think everyone can agree that America sucks major balls.”
Elijah laughed. “What a great segway.”
***
That weekend, Selali surprised Noah with a trip to his favorite restaurant. She’d taken the day off, told him she wanted to do something special. As soon as she pulled into the parking lot, he shook his head.
“No.” He said immediately.
Selali gasped. “What? You love this place.”
“I’m not in the mood.”
“What are you in the mood for?”
Noah pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not in the mood for anything.”
“Well, I took the day off, so we better be going somewhere.”
The words sent a rod through Noah’s chest. “Fine…I don’t know. Maybe an arcade or something.”
“Oooh, that would be fun! I think there’s one in the city. Let’s go.”
Hywela and Meri continued their misadventures in Noah’s mind during the whole drive. His surroundings fuzzed out, helping him focus on the scenes playing. Selali tried to hold a conversation, but to him, it sounded like a car radio going through a dead zone, crackling in and out.
“Noah, we’re here.”
Espying the jungle-colored logo next to a leopard’s face, Noah squinted. “Is this…animal themed?”
“Sure looks like it. Is this okay? Or do we gotta find another arcade?”
“We can try it.”
Dampened mood aside, Noah found himself smiling and having fun once inside the building. He enjoyed it the most when he and Selali were side-by-side. The two were ridiculously good at dance games, racking up the majority of the tickets with them. Within the hour, hundreds spilled out of Selali’s arms, reaching the floor.
“I think that’s more than enough for a cool prize, don’t you think?” She said, guiding him to the prize area.
Most of the prizes disinterested Noah. Candy left an undesirable stickiness on his teeth, and the toys didn’t match his tastes. He didn’t want a fancy water blaster or another top tier item, either. About to tell Selali he didn’t want anything, one toy caught his eye—an animal stuck behind a row of cheap plastic keychains.
“What animal is that?” He asked the cashier.
The cashier craned his neck, plucking the toy from its spot. “This guy? It’s called an African civet, I think.”
“How many tickets for it?”
“500.”
Noah grumbled. He was twenty tickets short. Seeing his disappointment, Selali touched his shoulder. “Hang tight. Mama’s gonna get those twenty tickets.”
Sure enough, she ran off to get the remaining twenty tickets, telling Noah to take a break. He sat on a nearby bench and everything fizzled away. He watched Hywela and Meri escape the royal castle on a noble steed, its hooves slamming against the bridge leading to the city.
Meri wrapped her arms around Hywela’s waist and Stephen’s face blasted over the image.
Desecrating it, his sickening smile stretched outward, eyes downcast. Noah’s whole body tensed, just like it did in the memory playing out before him. He tried to re-route his brain, to let Hywela and Meri reel him back, but nothing worked. His heartbeat quickened as he repeatedly rubbed his increasingly sweaty hands.
“TA-DAAAAA!” Selali exclaimed, jumping in front of him and shaking him out of his trance. “Twenty tickets for the best kid ever!”
Noah forced a smile, but it became real as soon as the plushie entered his arms. He petted the fur, using it to soothe as he and Selali returned to the car. As soon as both got inside, she tried to spring on another idea.
“Do you wanna–”
“I’m tired. I wanna go home.”
“Are you sure?”
He nodded, hugging the plushie.
On the drive home, Selali once again tried to converse. Wanting nothing more than to slip away, Noah grew increasingly agitated with her. Halfway home, when her voice started sending shockwaves to his brain, he lashed out. “Can you stop?”
“…Excuse me?”
“Stop. Talking. Please. It’s too much right now.”
“Well, that’s tough. Whose car are you in?”
Her tone cold and jagged, Noah’s mouth dried. She rarely spoke to him this way, only when he struck a nerve one too many times.
“And you wonder why I think you don’t care about me.” He grumbled.
“Noah Liang, I love you more than anything on this Earth—”
“Then fucking act like it.”
“Stop swearing at me!”
Noah shrank into his seat. He’d done it now—Selali rarely yelled. Growing up, she told him a parent should never scream at their child. It’s unproductive, and it only hurts both parties. Clearly that sentiment didn’t matter now as she continued to rage at him.
“You’ve been acting so ungrateful and snarky, and for what?! What crawled up your ass and died? Cause last time I’ve checked, you got everything you need! A roof over your head and plenty of food to eat. So I suggest you stop running your damn mouth, especially after I took a whole day off to spend with you!”
The ride was silent after that. Tears poured down Noah’s cheeks, scalding. As soon as he got to the apartment, he ran for his room. Selali’s deep sigh could be heard from the hallway he retreated to. He didn’t linger long enough to see if she would call his name.
Later, she gently knocked on the door. So quiet Noah hardly registered it. He was laying on the floor, eyes on the ceiling, contempt-ridden. Everything was too much and too loud and too potent. His mind shut off, leaving him empty and cold. He didn’t hear himself tell her to come in, just felt the slow movements of his lips.
As soon as she entered, the fragrance of waakye wafted into the room. Noah shot up, eliciting a tiny smile from her. He feigned disinterest, crossing his arms as she joined him on the floor.
“Here’s dinner. And I want to say I’m sorry for screaming at you.”
“You don’t have to say sorry if you don’t mean it.” Noah responded. “I know you probably hate me.”
Admitting the latter half stung like hell, but it was true. He never said it to her face, but always thought so.
Placing the plate in front of him, her shoulders sagged. “I don’t hate you. There’s no part of me that could. And I will say I’m sorry, because yelling isn’t okay. I shouldn’t have said those things, either.”
A brief silence elapsed. Knowing his mother, she didn’t expect forgiveness. She wouldn’t get it anyway since Noah hated when she yelled at him for things he couldn’t control. It wasn’t his fault that the world shattered around him, sending shards of glass through his body and pinning him to the ground. He pushed the plate away.
She moved it to him. “Okay, look. You can be mad and broody, but you gotta eat dinner. I know you haven’t eaten anything but arcade popcorn.”
“Can you eat with me?”
Selali obliged. The two dined on Noah’s bed, where he picked at the helping. It took far too long to eat it all. She finished first, Noah only being halfway done. Setting the fork down, she questioned him.
“Did something happen at the con? During spring break?”
He wanted to lie. Nothing. I went with my online friends like I told you. I didn’t lie and I didn’t get hurt. But the fear in her eyes completely disarmed him. She was genuinelyworried about him.
“You’ll be so mad at me,” he whispered. “I lied about who I was staying with.”
Though brief irritation crossed her eyes, she shook her head. “I won’t be mad.”
Noah let it all spill out, leaving his mouth like a waterfall. The words twisted and jumbled as he broke down into sobs. He managed, albeit barely, to tell her the whole story. Shifting from hip to hip, he couldn’t stay still, wanting to claw at his skin. Sensing his distress, Selali moved the plates aside and took Noah into her arms. There, he wailed until she straightened him, wiping his tears with her thumb.
“Can I ask you some questions?” When he nodded, the pain in her eyes increased. “Have you had your cycle since then?”
“It started today. I was really late. I got scared so I…” he moved her hands away, turning to face his wall. “I stole a couple pregnancy tests. Both were negative.”
“Thank God they were negative. Still, we’re gonna have to take a trip to the hospital for more tests.”
“Right now? I’m really tired.”
“We can go tomorrow.” She gently took hold of his chin, facing him. “For now, I need you to understand two things: you’re not in trouble, and what happened wasn’t your fault. You got that?”
Noah nodded. “I know. But mom…” he teared up, admitting a fact that’d been plaguing him. “…Is there something wrong with me?”
“No. Listen to me. I’ve been in your shoes, but with a man from college. Before I met your dad, the same thing happened to me. But a bodily response doesn’t mean you enjoyed it, liked it, or even wanted it in the first place. Okay? There’s nothing wrong with you. Only something wrong with the man that hurt you,” she gently brushed his hair out of his eyes, making sure to look at his nose. “Do you want to go to the police?”
He shook his head. The last thing he wanted was to talk to cops, especially about something like this. “No… I think that would make it worse.”
“That’s okay. We don’t have to. It’s up to you.”
Needing time to process, Noah asked for alone time for the rest of the night. He lay in bed, clutching his new stuffed animal. His thoughts drifted to Elijah after hours of maladaptive daydreaming. The image of Elijah’s painting flooded his mind, unrelenting.
It perfectly captured his current emotional state.
***
The presentation went without a hitch that Monday. As soon as the pair finished, Elijah and Noah retreated to their seats. Elijah leaned towards Noah’s ear.
“You doing anything after school?” he whispered.
“No.”
“We should go to the new bookstore that just opened up.” Elijah suggested.
Liking the sound of that, Noah agreed. After school, they wound up in a tiny building crammed to the brim with bookshelves. Noah wasn’t much of a reader, so he let Elijah lead the charge. Elijah combed every single aisle, pulling anything that caught his eye. While his expression remained neutral for most of it, his eyes brightened when they reached the poetry aisle.
“Audre Lorde!” Elijah exclaimed, snatching a book and flipping through it. “I’ve been looking for this one for so long.”
Noah drew a bit closer, eyeing the cover. “Are you gonna buy it?”
Elijah shook his head. “I don’t need it.”
Thinking about the twenty dollars in his backpack, Noah gently took the book and checked the price. Without a word, he headed over to the cashier. Elijah’s eyes widened when he realized what he was doing.
“No! Please don’t,” Elijah tried, nipping at Noah’s heels as he walked to register. “I said I don’t need it.”
“Well yeah, you don’t need it. But you said you’ve been looking for this for a while, right?”
Blushing, Elijah nodded. He watched as Noah set down the collection, the cashier ringing it up. “Yeah…thank you, Noah.”
“No problem.”
Discovering an attached mini-cafe in a room over, the two sat. Elijah flipped through his new book while Noah doodled on a piece of homework. It didn’t take long for Elijah to scoot a little into Noah’s bubble, shyly twirling his fingers.
“Can I see what you’re drawing?”
Noah angled the paper towards Elijah, revealing a rough draft of his fursona—an African civet. “I don’t know his name yet.”
“You want some suggestions?”
“Sure.”
“Hmm…he looks like an Imani to me, for some reason.”
Noah leaned back, squinting at the sketch. He repeated the name beneath his breath before smiling. “That’s perfect. Imani it is.”
In that moment, Elijah looked at Noah with something unidentifiable but terrifying. That terror seeped further into Noah’s psyche with one question from him, “Can I hold your hand?”
Even though his heart threatened to burst, Noah nodded.
Elijah slid their fingers together, a shy grin on his lips. “You’re cold.” He noted.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’re also soft.”
Electricity ripped through Noah’s body. This was beyond friendly, and he knew it. Elijah knew it too based on the faint red on his face. But Noah couldn’t cross that line. He was barely holding together as is. Elijah seemed to share the same sentiment, withdrawing his touch after a few minutes and staring at the floor.
That night, alone in his room, Noah drew Elijah, using a memory of him reading as reference. At sight of the sketch, Noah’s heart wrenched and confirmed his biggest fear—he was catching feelings fast. Falling at the exact speed he did with Libby and Mariyah. But his desire for Elijah was a tsunami compared to the tidal wave he felt with those two. He didn’t know what to do with this information except run from it. To hide it from Elijah and try not to let it affect anything. He needed a friend more than anything else right now.
***
By the end of the school year, Elijah and Noah were incredibly close. Elijah frequently joined him after school, prowling around the limited spots of interest in-town. The bookstore was Elijah’s favorite, of course, and Noah bought him new poetry sets whenever he had spare money.
“I’m gonna pay you back.” Elijah had said after the fourth time.
“Nope. These are gifts.”
“Gifts don’t come without consequences.”
Though Noah didn’t know what to say to that, he maintained his stance. “I don’t want anything in return. That’s not how this works. The books are for you to read.”
“Why? So you can check me out while I do?” Elijah said with a small smirk.
That was the first time Elijah directly teased him. Still, the pair danced around their feelings. It made sense. Elijah spoke of a shitty mom and rumors that plagued him, and Noah had his own messes to sort through, still reeling over Stephen. Neither were ready to complicate their lives further. Regardless, Elijah and Noah thrived in each other’s company.
Until summer began.
On the last day of school, Noah gave Elijah his landline number, saying he could call and ask to come by whenever. Elijah told him he definitely would take up the offer.
But as May ended and June passed, nothing happened. The landline was dead silent unless Selali made her nightly check-ins. Crushed by Elijah’s sudden, abrupt absence, Noah faded away in his room. He didn’t go outside unless, on the rare occasion, Selali took him out. Hywela and Meri didn’t appeal to him anymore, and his sketchbook collected dust. His daydreams shifted to Imani’s escapades as a circus performer. Noah spent most days researching fursuits, planning to eventually start on a prototype for Imani. Selali got all the supplies for Noah, which he appreciated.
In July, Selali told Noah as politely as possible he needed to get out of the apartment more. Noah resisted at first, until she told him of a tiny skate park near Scott Bridge. Deciding a secondary hobby wouldn’t hurt, he started teaching himself how to skate there. Selali bought him two skateboards, imploring him to carry both in case he broke one. He hated the unspoken comment on his clumsy nature, but accepted.
One windy afternoon, Noah practiced tricks. He got bored quickly and tried to draw instead. The wind refused to keep his pages still, so he gave up. After one more zip around the perimeter, Noah packed up and headed home.
As he rounded a corner of trees, a low, muttering voice alerted him. Unfazed, Noah continued. His legs locked as Scott Bridge came into view.
A hunched figure stood nearby, sobbing and writhing. Face concealed by a hoodie, they cursed, feet near an edge where no railing existed. Nothing held the stranger from falling into the abyss of water beneath. Noah considered beelining to the park until the person turned to him.
Elijah stared as tears poured down his face. His glasses, now cracked, were pushed up on his forehead. He squinted at Noah in utter disbelief. Noah’s jaw hung ajar.
“Well, long time no see,” He said miserably, swaying away ever so slightly. “Why are you here, Noah?”
“I was heading home.” He explained. Not knowing what else to say, he blurted, “What’s up?”
Elijah burst out laughing. He doubled over, clutching his stomach until the laughter faded. Sitting up, he wiped his nose, swaying towards the river. “Nothing’s up. It’s all down,” his eyes fell to the steady waves. “I’m gonna jump. All those rocks will make it quick. Painless. I’m so excited to have peace.”
Heart speeding, Noah choked up. He didn’t know what to say, but he knew he needed to be cautious. On the occasions he sank enough to consider the same fate, nothing hurt worse than hearing misguided, unintentionally judgmental words. “What about your loved ones? You’re being selfish. Stay for me.” Many of his online friends said such things, and it only drove him further towards the deep end.
So instead of that or trying to force false, uncertain comforts, Noah asked him a question. “Do you know how to skate?”
Elijah’s eyebrows furrowed. “No.”
“I have another skateboard,” He gestured to the second board strapped to his back. “I can teach you, if you want.”
Noah reached out his hand. Elijah stared at it, then at him with confusion. Eyelashes flitting as he batted tears away, he stepped away from the edge. He joined Noah’s side and crushed him into a hug. Noah hugged Elijah back, holding him tight as the river breeze whistled.
At the skate park, Noah taught Elijah how to skateboard. He still seemed emotionally vexed, but at least he smiled a bit. That’s all Noah wanted, was to provide respite, even briefly. By the time Elijah mastered the basics, Noah hopped on the other board. The two rode circles around each other, laughing and carrying on. As Noah lowered himself to get ready for a jump, he made the mistake of admiring Elijah’s curls flying in the wind, slightly obscuring his grin.
Not looking in front of him, Noah crashed into a bench. He landed on top of it before falling face-first to the ground. Stars clouded his vision, eventually clearing to reveal Elijah’s form above him. He hooked an arm beneath Noah and helped him sit up. Once Noah was propped against the bench, Elijah inspected each of his arms, then his exposed calves. As fingers moved to his face, Noah froze.
Elijah brushed his bangs away. Noah held his breath, not wanting to meet Elijah’s gaze. But Elijah didn’t look into his eyes, instead focusing on his right cheek. He grazed his thumb along it, a tiny frown forming.
“You got a scratch. It’s not bleeding, though.” He moved Noah’s hair back, having not stumbled into his gaze once. “I’m glad you didn’t get too hurt. That scared the shit out of me.”
Right after he said this, the pair looked at the sky, which burst with red and orange. Noah stood up, brushing off his shorts.
“We better go. It’s getting late.”
The single ray of sunshine Elijah obtained faded as his expression soured. “I don’t wanna go home. Not yet.” He admitted, standing up.
Noah took his hand. “Then don’t. Come with me.”
As soon as the two reached Noah’s apartment, both collapsed on the floor of his room. The top of their heads brushed together as they lay on their backs.
“Thank you.” Elijah said suddenly.
“For?”
“For existing. I’m sorry I never called you. So much shit happened when summer started. My grandma died on Sunday…” He sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth. “It’s a lot and…I was ready to give up. I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. I’ve been there.” Noah said quietly. “I’m just glad I can be here for you. If you need to talk about anything, I’ll listen.”
“If I told you everything that happened, you wouldn’t be able to look at me. I’m surprised you didn’t get grossed out when I told you about the rumors.”
“It’s kinda hard to picture you making out with a bunch of jocks.” Noah replied. “And rumors are bullshit anyway.”
“The part of the rumor about me going to a party is true. My…” he audibly shifted and sighed. “I don’t even know what to call Floyd. I guess he was my childhood best friend. He was the one who invited me. Point is, Floyd hurt me. He hurt me so bad that I don’t feel human anymore. And he won’t fucking stop. Between him, my mom, my grandma dying…It feels like I’m never going to get a break again, and everything is gonna get worse in high school.”
Noah hugged himself. He hated knowing Elijah suffered so much. To him, Elijah deserved the world, or at the very least, peace. The part about not feeling human anymore twisted his guts, as he felt the exact same.
“I get feeling that way.” He said.
“You’ve been hurt too?”
Noah sat up, Elijah mirroring him. Noah pressed his thumb against his lower lip as he nodded. “Yeah. Over spring break.”
Elijah’s eyes darkened. “Not you too…that’s when the party was.” Sensing Noah’s strife, he moved closer. “You let me talk. Do you want to?”
Just like how it’d been with Selali, the story fell from Noah’s lips effortlessly. Knowing he was safe with Elijah made it easier to talk about. He told Elijah more than he told Selali—mainly about texts he’d been coerced into sending—and the whole time, Elijah’s eyes didn’t leave him, heavy with sorrow. When Noah finished, Elijah opened his arms to him. Noah accepted the invitation, much preferring it to a “I’m sorry.”
“People are so cruel,” Elijah whispered instead. “I can’t imagine doing that to someone.”
“Me neither.” Noah looked up at him, nuzzled against his chest. “But maybe that’s because we’re good people.”
Petting Noah’s hair, Elijah nodded in agreement.
Hours passed, which Noah spent tied up in Elijah’s arms. They moved from the floor to his bed. All the dizzying romantic feelings flooded Noah’s thoughts and body. He squirmed restlessly in Elijah’s grasp, but the other teen didn’t seem to mind. Elijah just sang to him softly, rubbing circles into his back.
Eventually, Elijah broke away and checked Noah’s alarm clock. “I have to go home.”
Noah didn’t want him to. He wanted to keep Elijah here with him, where the two would be safe from the outside world. As Elijah scooted off the bed, Noah’s fingers grazed his wrist.
“Are you gonna be okay?”
“I don’t know. I’ll let you know next time I see you.”
“When will that be?” Noah said, getting up. His hand didn’t leave Elijah’s arm.
“If I don’t get grounded forever? Soon. I still have your number written down.”
“Alright. I’ll be waiting for your call.”
Noah walked Elijah to the front door, his eyes wandering all over the walls. He wanted to look at everything except Elijah, afraid he would preemptively miss him. Elijah stopped in front of the door and, as Noah’s gaze travelled, he leaned forward. His lips aimed for Noah’s cheek, but Noah faced him at the last second. Mouths clumsily collided and both teens froze in shock. They briefly melted into it before Noah pulled away, warmth traveling through his whole body. Elijah rubbed his arm.
“I’m sorry.” He said. “I was trying to kiss your cheek—”
“It’s okay.” Noah said. “I…I didn’t mind.”
Elijah smiled at him. “I’ll see you soon.”
Even after the door shut behind him, Noah remained rooted to his spot. He touched his lips, recalling how soft Elijah’s were. It took him a while to snap out of it and return to his room. Tossing and turning in bed, he relived the moment on loop. Imaginary scenarios bloomed, ones where he kissed Elijah until the two ran out of breath.
This was going to be a problem.
***
The landline rang every day for the rest of summer.
Noah never picked up.
It killed him not to. But after the kiss, Noah collapsed in an irrecoverable manner. Every time he thought about how close Elijah had gotten, he short-circuited. He worried about Elijah growing tired of him and breaking his heart, platonically or romantically. A meaner, more pessimistic part of him believed Elijah could turn into the likes of Stephen, playing sweet until the mask melted away. He knew realistically Elijah wasn’t capable of this, but it didn’t stop his anxieties.
So, he ignored every call. Stopped skateboarding, stayed in his room. Selali didn’t seem to notice, especially after picking up extra shifts for more income. One positive was the development of Imani’s design, taking up most of Noah’s sketchbook. He started designing other fursuits, too, hoping he could sell some premade designs in the future.
Every time he put his sketchbook up, he’d see Elijah’s painting in the drawer and choke. Eventually, he propped it up on his desk to remind himself of the time they spent together. At night, before shutting off the light, he’d stare at it. He told himself that even though it hurt like hell, he was doing what was best.
As Freshman year inched ever-closer, he wasn’t so sure. Regret haunted him long after the phone calls stopped. Beneath all the pain and accepted consequences, Noah dared to hope fate would bring the two together again.
For now, he needed to focus on himself.